Good Grief at Radio City

What Sara Bareilles taught me about holding grief and joy in the same hands

I realized recently that I haven't been very active on the blog, and there's a good reason for that: I've been busy living my best life.

Over the past three weeks, I had an experience that still feels a little unreal. By some miracle, I was able to see my favorite musician of all time, Sara Bareilles, three weekends in a row. Not only did I get tickets to see her in New York, Chicago, and St. Louis, but I also somehow convinced three different adult friends with jobs, responsibilities, and actual lives to join me, one concert at a time.

Sara Bareilles at Radio City Music Hall, New York, September 18, 2026

The fact that all of those logistics came together feels nothing short of miraculous. The tickets, the travel, the schedules, and the willingness of friends to share in something they knew meant so much to me all aligned perfectly.

I thought I would make my first blog post about the New York concert.

I was fortunate enough to see Sara Bareilles at Radio City Music Hall, a venue that had somehow eluded me despite several previous trips to New York City. I'd walked by it, admired its history, and seen countless photos, but this was my first time actually stepping inside.

The theater itself is remarkable. Large enough to create the excitement and energy of a major concert, yet intimate enough to feel connected to the artist on stage, Radio City strikes a balance that few venues can achieve. There is something deeply nostalgic about the space. It feels like a place where stories have been told for decades, and that sense of history seemed to fit perfectly with the evening that unfolded.

Before I go any further, this is my official spoiler alert. If you're planning to attend one of her upcoming concerts and want to experience everything for the first time yourself, you may want to stop reading now.

What struck me most throughout the evening was how beautifully her newest album, Good Grief, captures the complexity of being human. The album explores loss in many forms, from the grief of losing friends to the heartbreak of infertility and other deeply personal struggles. Sara has always had a gift for writing honestly, and this album may be one of her most vulnerable yet.

But here's what I found so remarkable: despite the heaviness of some of the themes, the concert never felt depressing.

There were moments that brought tears to my eyes. There were songs that invited reflection, sadness, and remembrance. Yet those moments were intentionally woven together with humor, hope, gratitude, and joy. Just when you found yourself sitting with something difficult, she would gently guide the audience somewhere lighter. Then, when everyone was comfortable and laughing, she'd invite us back into deeper waters.

At one point during the concert, I turned to my friend, whom I've known since junior high and who had traveled from St. Louis to attend the New York show with me, and said, "This whole concert is trauma-informed."

That may sound like a strange observation to make in the middle of a concert, but as a therapist, it was impossible not to notice.

The pacing felt incredibly intentional.

The experience reminded me of how we approach difficult emotions in therapy. You don't simply throw people into the deepest parts of their grief and leave them there. You move between activation and regulation. You help people access painful emotions, then reconnect with safety, joy, humor, movement, and hope. You create an experience that allows people to feel without becoming overwhelmed.

That's exactly what this concert felt like.

Sara Bareilles at Radio City Music Hall, New York, September 18, 2026

One of the clearest examples was when Sara launched into a cover of Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."

The placement of that song felt brilliant.

The audience had spent considerable time reflecting, feeling, and sitting with the emotional weight of several songs. Then suddenly the familiar opening notes began, and thousands of people sprang to their feet.

For a few minutes, nobody was processing grief. Nobody was analyzing lyrics. Nobody was reflecting on loss.

We were just dancing.

Strangers were smiling at each other. Friends were singing at the top of their lungs. People who had been quietly wiping away tears moments earlier were laughing and moving. It created a physical release that felt almost therapeutic.

As therapists, we talk about how healing doesn't happen through words alone. Sometimes people need movement. They need connection. They need moments of pleasure and joy. They need reminders that life still contains beauty.

That song served exactly that purpose.

The concert wasn't asking us to ignore grief. It was reminding us that grief exists alongside joy.

The entire evening seemed built around that principle.

There was space for sadness.

There was space for laughter.

There was space for stories.

There was space to remember.

There was space to dance.

Most importantly, there was space for all of those things to exist together.

Why the Dancing Mattered: Music, Movement, and the Nervous System

As I reflected on that moment when thousands of people jumped to their feet to sing and dance to I Wanna Dance with Somebody, I couldn't help but think about what was happening beyond the entertainment.

As a therapist, I spend a lot of time talking about nervous system regulation. Most people think regulation only happens through deep breathing, meditation, or sitting quietly. While those can certainly help, humans have been regulating their nervous systems through music, rhythm, movement, singing, and community long before therapy offices ever existed.

Research suggests that both listening to music and actively making music can influence the autonomic nervous system, the system responsible for shifting us between states of stress, danger, rest, and connection. Music has been shown to affect heart rate, breathing patterns, and the balance between sympathetic activation and parasympathetic calming responses.

What struck me about Sara's concert was that she seemed to intuitively understand this process.

She invited the audience into deep emotional experiences through songs about grief, loss, infertility, and change. Then, before the weight became overwhelming, she brought us back into our bodies through laughter, storytelling, movement, and connection.

That transition into Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody felt like more than a fun cover song.

It felt like regulation.

The audience wasn't being pulled away from grief. We were being reminded that joy still exists alongside it.

Everyone was standing. Moving. Singing. Smiling at strangers. Sharing an experience with thousands of other people. For a few minutes, our bodies were doing something that therapists often encourage clients to do: reconnecting with safety, connection, and aliveness.

Emerging research grounded in Polyvagal Theory suggests that activities such as rhythmic movement, breathing together, and singing can support feelings of safety and social connection while promoting healthier autonomic regulation. Group singing, in particular, has been associated with improvements in emotional well-being and social engagement.

In other words, there is a reason it feels good to sing at the top of your lungs with thousands of other people.

Your body is participating in the experience, not just your mind.

A Few Simple Nervous System Regulation Ideas

The concert also reminded me that regulation doesn't always have to be complicated. Some of the best tools are surprisingly ordinary:

• Put on a favorite song and sing along, even if you're off-key.

• Dance in your kitchen while making dinner.

• Take a walk while listening to music that matches the emotional state you want to move toward.

• Attend a concert, worship service, choir rehearsal, or community event where people sing together.

• Create playlists for different needs: calming, energizing, grieving, celebrating, or remembering.

• When you're feeling overwhelmed, try gentle movement before asking yourself to think differently.

Sometimes the goal isn't to talk yourself out of an emotion.

Sometimes the goal is simply to help your body remember that it is safe enough to feel it.

That's what I experienced that night at Radio City Music Hall.

Not an escape from grief.

A reminder that grief and joy can dance together.

The more I reflect on the evening, the more I realize that Good Grief isn't really an album about sadness at all. It's an album about being fully alive. It's about making room for heartbreak and hope, loss and gratitude, tears and laughter, all at the same table.

By the end of the night, I didn't leave feeling drained by the emotional moments. I left feeling fuller because of them.

In a world that often demands that we choose between acknowledging pain and embracing joy, Sara Bareilles offered a different invitation. She reminded us that the richest life is not one without suffering. It's one where we learn to hold grief and joy in the same hands.

For three beautiful hours at Radio City Music Hall, that's exactly what she helped thousands of people do.

And I feel incredibly grateful that I got to be one of them.

Sara Bareilles at Radio City Music Hall, New York, September 18, 2026

References

• McCrary, J. M., & Altenmüller, E. (2021). Mechanisms of Music Impact: Autonomic Tone and the Physical Activity Roadmap to Advancing Understanding and Evidence-Based Policy. Frontiers in Psychology.

• Ellis, R. J., Koenig, J., & Thayer, J. F. (2012). Getting to the Heart: Autonomic Nervous System Function in the Context of Evidence-Based Music Therapy. Music and Medicine.

• Fox, E. (2025). Polyvagal Theory in Trauma-Informed Music Therapy Practice. Music Therapy Perspectives.

• Wünnenberg, E., & Baumann, N. (2025). Group Singing Through the Lens of Polyvagal Theory. PLOS ONE.

A Decade of Care: Summit Family Therapy Celebrates 10 Years in Peoria

Ten years ago, Dr. Courtney Stivers and Dr. Ryan Stivers arrived in Peoria with an ambitious vision, limited local connections, and a dream that required equal parts courage and conviction. Today, that dream has become Summit Family Therapy, one of the region's most recognized counseling practices and, according to the couple, still very much a labor of love.

As Summit approaches its 10-year anniversary this fall, the Drs. Stivers find themselves reflecting not only on the growth of their business, but also on the relationships, challenges, and community support that made it all possible. "It still doesn't feel like it's been 10 years," Dr. Courtney said with a laugh. "It feels more like four."

"Owning a small business is hard," she said. "There have been many, many storms we've had to weather. We're just incredibly grateful to still be here and to have the support of the greater Peoria community."

That gratitude is a recurring theme in the Drs. Stivers’ story.

Watch the full interview on YouTube.

Building the Workplace They Always Wanted

Long before Summit Family Therapy opened its doors in 2016, the couple shared a common dream: to create a workplace where people genuinely wanted to be. Both had experienced organizational cultures that left them knowing exactly what they would do differently if given the chance. Their answer was Summit. "We wanted a place that we were proud to work at," Dr. Courtney explained. "A place that cared about people, not just profits."

That philosophy became the foundation of the practice. While growth, sustainability, and sound business decisions have always mattered, the Stivers say they have never wanted success measured solely by numbers. Instead, they have focused on creating an environment where clients receive excellent care and staff members feel valued, supported, and connected. Judging by recent recognition from the community, that approach is resonating.

In addition to multiple wins as one of Peoria's top counseling centers, Summit was recently nominated for a Community Choice Award as one of the area's Best Places to Work. For the founders, that nomination carried special significance. "That one really surprised us," Dr. Courtney admitted. "It honestly made me emotional. Being recognized as a great place to work means so much because that's why we started this in the first place."

Coming Home

While Summit was born in Peoria, the Drs. Stivers spent years living in the South while completing graduate education and beginning their professional careers. Still, the Midwest remained home.

Dr. Ryan grew up in Iowa. Dr. Courtney's roots are in Peoria. After starting a family, both felt a growing desire to return closer to relatives and establish deeper community connections. Peoria became the perfect middle ground. The decision has proven meaningful not only personally, but professionally.

The couple speaks passionately about supporting locally owned businesses and investing in the communities where they live. When discussing the future of mental health care, they often emphasize the importance of supporting local providers who remain deeply connected to the people they serve. For Dr. Courtney, that connection is personal. "My family is here. I grew up here," she said. "Peoria is always going to matter to me."

A Leap of Faith

Looking back, the early years were not easy.

Starting a counseling practice from scratch is challenging under any circumstances. Doing so in a community where you have few professional connections is even harder. "There were a lot of moments where we wondered if this would work," Dr. Ryan recalled. The first several months were particularly difficult. The couple found themselves balancing financial uncertainty, long workdays, and the pressure that comes with building a business entirely on their own. At one point, Dr. Courtney was teaching eleven online college courses simultaneously while helping launch the practice. "I definitely don't recommend that," she joked.

The challenges tested their resolve, but they also reinforced their commitment to the vision they had created. Slowly, clients began finding Summit. The practice expanded. New therapists joined the team. Momentum grew.

Then, in 2020, everything changed.

The Pandemic That Tested Everything

Like countless businesses across America, Summit Family Therapy faced one of its biggest challenges during the COVID-19 pandemic. The Stivers vividly remember the uncertainty of those early days.

When nationwide cancellations began making headlines, Dr. Ryan sensed major changes were coming. His response was immediate. He drove to a nearby office supply store and purchased every webcam he could find. It turned out to be a pivotal decision. Virtually overnight, Summit transformed from offering only occasional telehealth appointments to conducting nearly all services online.

"There was a point where we didn't even know if insurance companies would cover telehealth," Dr. Courtney recalled. Despite the uncertainty, Summit's team remained focused on one priority: ensuring clients continued receiving care. For many families already struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, and isolation, maintaining access to counseling services became even more important.

The transition was demanding, but the organization adapted. More importantly, the experience reinforced the values that had guided Summit from the beginning: flexibility, service, and putting people first.

Growing Without Losing Their Identity

As the practice expanded, so did its responsibilities.

Summit has grown significantly over the past decade, becoming one of the larger counseling providers in the region. With dozens of clinicians and support staff, growth has brought both opportunities and challenges. Dr. Ryan often describes the experience with a metaphor. "It's been like building the airplane while we're already flying it." As the organization matured, systems became more sophisticated. Communication processes improved. Business operations became more structured. But one thing has remained unchanged: the culture.

Both founders speak with obvious admiration when discussing their team. "We have an amazing staff," Dr. Ryan said. "They're intelligent, compassionate, creative, and they're incredible to work alongside." Dr. Courtney agrees, noting that she often learns just as much from colleagues as they learn from one another. "Our therapists are incredibly talented," she said. "Sometimes our job is simply to get out of the way and let them do what they do best."

Looking Toward the Next Decade

Even as they celebrate the past, the Drs. Stivers remain focused on the future.

They envision continued growth, deeper community involvement, and possibly additional clinic locations someday. Recently, Summit increased its participation in local events, including Peoria Pride and other community gatherings. The founders hope to continue strengthening those relationships in the years ahead.

Still, growth for growth's sake has never been the goal. Their priorities remain remarkably simple: support their team, serve their clients, and invest in Peoria. Those principles have guided Summit through uncertain beginnings, economic challenges, a global pandemic, and a decade of change.

As the practice prepares to celebrate its first ten years, the story of Summit Family Therapy is, in many ways, a story about Peoria itself: a community built on relationships, resilience, and people who care deeply about one another. For Dr. Ryan and Dr. Courtney Stivers, that may be the achievement they are proudest of all.

After ten years, Summit Family Therapy has become more than a counseling practice. It has become a home for healing, a workplace built on purpose, and a testament to what can happen when local people invest wholeheartedly in the community they love.

For those interested in learning more about Summit Family Therapy, meeting its clinicians, or exploring available services, additional information can be found on the practice's website.

What is Performative Effort? When Trying Isn't Really Trying

Have you ever found yourself frustrated by someone who seems to say all the right things, make all the right promises, and even appear willing to help, yet somehow nothing ever changes?

Maybe your partner agrees that the relationship needs work but never follows through. Maybe a friend repeatedly says they miss you but never makes time to connect. Perhaps someone offers a solution they already know won't work, then points to their "effort" when the problem remains unresolved.

If this sounds familiar, you may be encountering what experts call performative effort.

What Is Performative Effort?

Performative effort occurs when someone engages in behaviors that create the appearance of trying without a genuine commitment to meaningful action or change.

The primary goal, whether conscious or unconscious, becomes looking like they are making an effort rather than actually addressing the issue.

Performative effort differs from genuine effort in one important way: the focus is on perception rather than progress.

The person may:

• Make promises without follow-through

• Offer unrealistic solutions

• Say what others want to hear

• Take symbolic actions that create the appearance of effort

• Seek credit for trying while avoiding the discomfort required for real change

Importantly, performative effort isn't always malicious. Many people engage in it because they feel overwhelmed, inadequate, fearful of conflict, ashamed, or uncertain about how to move forward. Nevertheless, the impact can be deeply damaging to relationships because trust is built on actions, not intentions.

Why People Engage in Performative Effort

There are several reasons people may fall into this pattern.

Fear of Conflict

Real change often requires difficult conversations, accountability, and vulnerability. A performative gesture can temporarily reduce tension without requiring meaningful action.

Fear of Failure

Some people would rather appear to be trying than risk genuine effort and potentially fail.

Desire for Approval

Words often earn immediate appreciation. Action requires work. Some individuals unconsciously choose the path that gains recognition without the accompanying responsibility.

Avoidance

Promises can buy time. Offering solutions can delay decisions. Good intentions can become a convenient substitute for action.

Lack of Self-Awareness

Some people genuinely believe that wanting to change is the same thing as changing. They may not recognize the gap between their intentions and their behavior.

How Performative Effort Appears in Romantic Relationships

The Counseling Delay

A couple has struggled with the same issues for years. One partner repeatedly says:

• "I agree we need therapy."

• "I'll start looking for a counselor."

• "Let's revisit it next month."

Months pass. No appointment is scheduled.

The agreement may sound cooperative, but without follow-through, the promise becomes a substitute for action.

The Impossible Solution

A spouse expresses feeling disconnected and lonely. The other responds:

• "Let's take a two-week vacation in Europe."

The problem? Both partners know they cannot afford it, obtain the time off, or realistically make it happen.

The suggestion sounds impressive, but it avoids practical solutions such as date nights, improved communication, or spending intentional time together.

The Chore Conversation

One partner repeatedly voices frustration about carrying most of the household responsibilities. The other says:

• "Just make me a list."

The list gets created. Then it gets forgotten, misplaced, or ignored.

Although requesting a list appears collaborative, the responsibility for organizing, remembering, managing, and following up still remains with the same partner.

The Repeated Apology

Following hurtful behavior, someone says:

• "I'm sorry."

• "I know I need to do better."

• "I promise it won't happen again."

Yet the pattern continues.

An apology is important. But apologies without behavioral change can become another form of performative effort because they create the appearance of accountability without the substance of accountability.

How Performative Effort Appears in Adult Friendships

Performative effort is not limited to romantic relationships. In fact, many adults experience it most frequently in friendships.

Because friendships often lack formal commitments, they depend heavily on mutual investment and consistency.

The "Let's Get Together Soon" Friend

Most adults know someone who regularly says:

• "We should get together."

• "I miss you."

• "Let's grab coffee."

However, when dates are suggested, they never commit, repeatedly cancel, or stop responding.

Occasional scheduling conflicts are normal. A long-term pattern of expressing interest without making an effort is something different.

The Friend Who Is "Always Here"

When you're struggling, a friend says:

• "Call me anytime."

• "I'm here if you need anything."

• "Let me know how I can help."

But when you reach out, calls aren't returned. Messages go unanswered. Support is unavailable.

The offer may sound comforting in the moment, but support that never materializes can feel even more painful than no offer at all.

The One-Sided Friendship

One friend always:

• Initiates contact

• Plans gatherings

• Remembers birthdays

• Checks in during difficult times

The other frequently says:

• "We need to do this more often."

• "I'm terrible at keeping in touch."

• "Let's not wait so long next time."

Yet nothing changes.

Over time, one person begins carrying the entire emotional burden of maintaining the friendship.

The Celebration Friend

A friend enthusiastically talks about celebrating your promotion, graduation, new business, or personal achievement.

They express excitement and support but ultimately fail to acknowledge the milestone when it arrives.

The discrepancy between their enthusiasm and their action can feel especially hurtful during significant life moments.

The Feedback Friend

Some people repeatedly seek advice:

• "What should I do?"

• "I really value your opinion."

After receiving thoughtful feedback, they ignore it and return weeks later with the same concerns.

While everyone deserves support, constantly asking for help without any intention of reflection or action can strain a friendship over time.

The Hidden Cost of Performative Effort

The greatest damage caused by performative effort is not usually the unresolved problem.

The greatest damage is the erosion of trust. Over time, people begin asking themselves:

• "Why should I believe this time will be different?"

• "Do they really mean what they say?"

• "Am I the only one investing in this relationship?"

• "Can I depend on this person?"

Relationship trust isn't typically destroyed by one major event. More often, it erodes through hundreds of small moments where words consistently exceed actions.

The issue eventually becomes larger than the original problem.

The broken promise becomes more painful than the missed dinner.

The inaction becomes more significant than the unfinished task.

The pattern becomes more damaging than the specific behavior.

What Genuine Effort Looks Like

Authentic effort is usually less impressive than performative effort.

It's quieter.

It's less dramatic.

It's more consistent.

It sounds like:

• "I called three therapists today."

• "I've already scheduled the appointment."

• "I forgot, and that's on me."

• "Here's how I'll prevent it from happening again."

• "I know this matters to you, so I'm taking specific steps."

Genuine effort includes:

• Accountability

• Consistency

• Follow-through

• Measurable action

• Ownership

• Willingness to tolerate discomfort

Most importantly, genuine effort produces evidence.

People no longer have to wonder whether you're trying because they can see it.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you suspect performative effort may be affecting one of your relationships, ask yourself:

1. Do actions consistently match words?

2. Is actual progress being made?

3. Are proposed solutions realistic?

4. Is there accountability when commitments are not met?

5. Would an outside observer recognize meaningful effort?

The answers can provide important clarity.

Conclusion: Moving from Intentions to Actions

If this article resonates with you, take a moment to reflect on where performative effort may be showing up in your own life. Most of us have been on both sides of this dynamic at one time or another. We've all made promises we intended to keep, offered support we genuinely wanted to provide, or said "I'll do better" without fully appreciating what change would require.

The goal is not to shame ourselves or others. The goal is to become more honest about the gap between our intentions and our actions.

If you recognize performative effort in yourself, start small:

• Make fewer promises and keep more of them.

• Commit only to actions you are realistically able and willing to complete.

• Replace "I'll try" with a specific plan.

• Focus on consistency rather than grand gestures.

• Be willing to acknowledge when you've fallen short and take ownership without excuses.

If you recognize performative effort in someone else, consider:

• Paying attention to patterns rather than promises.

• Looking for evidence of change instead of relying solely on words.

• Setting clear expectations and boundaries.

• Communicating openly about how the discrepancy between words and actions affects you. Do not assume that they already know how you feel.

• Deciding what level of reliability you need in order to maintain trust.

One of the most important truths I share with clients is this: trust is built when words and actions consistently align. Relationships thrive when people feel they can depend on one another, not because someone says the perfect thing, but because they repeatedly do what they say they will do.

Meaningful relationships are rarely strengthened by dramatic declarations, elaborate promises, or impressive intentions. They are strengthened by ordinary acts of follow-through. A returned phone call. A scheduled appointment. A kept commitment. A change in behavior.

The healthiest relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, are not built on who appears to care the most. They are built on who consistently shows up.

At the end of the day, people remember less about what we promised and more about what we actually did. When our actions become a reflection of our values, trust grows, connection deepens, and relationships have the opportunity to flourish.

Because real effort isn't about looking committed.

It's about being committed.

References

Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650-666.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Lerner, H. G. (2017). Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. Scribner.

Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. Oxford University Press.

Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.

Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2020). Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. Mariner Books.

Worthington, E. L. (2005). Handbook of Forgiveness. Routledge.

The Secret to Stronger Relationships: How to Repair After an Argument Using the Gottman Method

Every couple argues. In fact, conflict itself is not a sign that a relationship is unhealthy. One of the most important findings from decades of relationship research is that successful couples are not the couples who never fight. They are the couples who know how to repair after conflict.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Method and leading relationship researchers, have spent more than 40 years studying what makes relationships succeed or fail. Their research consistently shows that the ability to repair emotional disconnection after an argument is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction and stability.

What Is a Repair Attempt?

According to Dr. John Gottman, a repair attempt is "any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control."

Repair attempts can be verbal or nonverbal. They might include:

• "I'm sorry. Can we start over?"

• "I can see why you're upset."

• "Let's slow down for a minute."

• A gentle touch on the arm

• Humor that reduces tension

• Taking responsibility for a small piece of the conflict

The goal of repair is not to determine who was right or wrong. The goal is to reconnect emotionally and restore a sense of safety in the relationship.

Why Repair Matters More Than Avoiding Conflict

Many people believe healthy couples don't fight. Research suggests otherwise.

The Gottmans found that happy and unhappy couples often experience similar disagreements. The difference is what happens after the conflict begins. Couples who maintain strong relationships are more likely to recognize emotional ruptures and take steps to repair them before negativity spirals.

In other words, relationship success is not about perfection. It's about resilience.

Repair communicates:

• "We're on the same team."

• "This relationship matters more than winning."

• "I want to understand you."

• "Even when we're upset, I care about our connection."

The Biggest Mistake Couples Make

One of the most common mistakes is trying to solve the problem before addressing the emotional injury.

When people feel hurt, criticized, misunderstood, or rejected, they typically are not ready for solutions. They need empathy first.

For example:

Instead of:

"Here's why you're wrong."

Try:

"I can see that hurt you. Help me understand what that felt like."

Emotional validation lowers defensiveness and opens the door to productive problem-solving.

Five Effective Gottman-Inspired Repair Strategies

1. Take Responsibility for Your Part

Notice that this does not require accepting full blame.

Even saying:

"You're right. I could have handled that differently."

can dramatically reduce tension.

Healthy repair begins when both partners acknowledge their contribution to the conflict.

2. Use a Soft Start-Up

Many arguments become destructive because they begin with criticism or accusation.

Instead of:

"You never listen to me."

Try:

"I'm feeling hurt and I need to feel heard."

A softer approach increases the likelihood that your partner will remain engaged rather than becoming defensive.

3. Pause When Flooded

The Gottmans use the term flooding to describe a state of physiological overwhelm during conflict.

Signs of flooding include:

• Rapid heartbeat

• Difficulty concentrating

• Feeling panicked

• Wanting to escape the conversation

• Becoming defensive or reactive

When flooding occurs, neither partner can effectively communicate.

A healthy repair may sound like:

"I want to finish this conversation, but I'm too overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and come back in 30 minutes?"

The key is returning to the conversation after calming down.

4. Express Appreciation

Conflict often narrows our focus to what is wrong.

Repair involves intentionally remembering what is right.

Statements such as:

• "I know you're trying."

• "Thank you for listening."

• "I appreciate you talking through this with me."

help restore goodwill and emotional connection.

5. Learn to Receive Repair Attempts

One of Gottman's most important findings is that successful relationships are not just built on offering repair attempts. They are built on accepting them.

Sometimes a partner's repair attempt is clumsy.

Maybe they say:

"Can we just hug?"

when you're still upset.

Instead of dismissing the effort, try recognizing the intention behind it.

The willingness to receive repair attempts can be just as important as making them.

What If the Argument Was Significant?

Repair does not mean minimizing pain or pretending something did not happen.

When a conflict involves betrayal, broken trust, repeated patterns, or deep emotional wounds, repair often takes more time.

In these situations, effective repair may include:

• Genuine accountability

• Empathy for the injured partner

• Ongoing conversations

• Changed behavior

• Professional support from a couples therapist

Trust is rebuilt not through a single apology but through consistent, trustworthy actions over time.

Progress, Not Perfection

One of the most hopeful aspects of Gottman research is the recognition that all couples make mistakes.

Every relationship includes misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and regrettable interactions.

Strong couples are not perfect communicators. They simply become skilled at finding their way back to one another.

Repair is the bridge that reconnects partners after conflict. It transforms arguments from relationship threats into opportunities for deeper understanding, emotional intimacy, and growth.

The question is not whether conflict will happen.

The question is whether you and your partner know how to reconnect after it does.

And that skill can be learned.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W.W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Updated ed.). Harmony Books.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton & Company.

The Gottman Institute. (2012). Manage Conflict: Repair and De-Escalate. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-repair-and-de-escalate/

The Gottman Institute. (2014). R is for Repair. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

The Gottman Institute. (2017). Repair Is the Secret Weapon of Emotionally Connected Couples. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/

Back-to-School Without the Stress: Practical Tips for Elementary, Junior High, and High School Students

As summer winds down, many families find themselves navigating a mix of excitement, anticipation, and anxiety. While social media often focuses on the new backpacks, fresh notebooks, and first-day photos, the transition back to school can be emotionally challenging for children and teens.

For some students, back-to-school season brings worries about friendships, academic expectations, social pressures, or adjusting to new routines. For parents, it can mean helping children manage emotions while trying to re-establish structure at home.

The good news? A successful school year isn't determined by having the perfect supplies or a flawless first day. It's built through preparation, connection, consistency, and emotional support.

Here are practical, age-appropriate strategies to help students start the year confidently.

Elementary School: Building Security Through Routine and Connection

Young children thrive on predictability. Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests that consistent routines help children feel safe and reduce anxiety during transitions.

1. Practice the School Routine Before School Starts

Begin adjusting bedtimes and wake-up times one to two weeks before school begins.

For example:

• Move bedtime earlier by 15-20 minutes each night.

• Practice getting dressed, eating breakfast, and leaving the house on schedule.

• Visit the school playground if possible to create familiarity.

2. Talk About Feelings, Not Just Logistics

Many children struggle to identify emotions.

Instead of asking:

• "Are you nervous?"

Try:

• "What are you excited about?"

• "What are you wondering about?"

• "What's something that feels hard about starting school?"

Helping children name emotions can reduce anxiety and increase emotional resilience.

3. Establish a Consistent Goodbye Routine

Whether it's a hug, a special handshake, or a simple phrase like "See you after school," predictable goodbyes create a sense of security.

Avoid prolonging separations, which may unintentionally increase anxiety.

4. Expect Adjustment Periods

Children may be more emotional, tired, or irritable during the first few weeks of school.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. Transitions require energy, and many young children need time to adjust.

Junior High: Supporting Independence While Staying Connected

Middle school often brings dramatic changes in friendships, identity development, social dynamics, and academic expectations.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), adolescence is a critical period for social and emotional development, making supportive relationships especially important.

5. Focus on Organization Skills

Rather than simply asking, "Did you do your homework?" help your child develop systems.

Examples include:

• Using a planner or digital calendar

• Creating a homework station

• Setting reminders for assignments

• Reviewing upcoming projects once a week

The goal is to teach executive functioning skills, not to become your child's personal reminder system.

6. Make Space for Daily Check-Ins

Many middle schoolers don't immediately open up after school.

Rather than launching into questions the moment they get in the car, consider creating low-pressure opportunities for conversation.

Try:

• Talking during car rides

• Taking walks together

• Chatting during dinner

• Asking about highs and lows of the day

Connection often happens when kids feel less pressured to talk.

7. Help Them Navigate Friendship Challenges

Friendships can shift significantly during junior high.

Instead of immediately solving conflicts, ask:

• "What do you think your options are?"

• "What would being a good friend look like here?"

• "How do you want to handle this?"

Problem-solving skills build confidence and resilience.

High School: Preparing for Increasing Responsibility

High school students are balancing academics, extracurricular activities, social relationships, technology, and planning for the future.

While teens often seek more independence, they still need adult guidance and support.

8. Teach Time Management Early

Many students struggle not because coursework is too difficult, but because they underestimate how long tasks will take.

Encourage teens to:

• Use calendars consistently

• Break large projects into smaller pieces

• Schedule study time

• Avoid waiting until deadlines approach

These skills serve them far beyond high school.

9. Prioritize Sleep

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that teenagers get 8-10 hours of sleep per night.

Unfortunately, many teens operate on far less.

Sleep impacts:

• Academic performance

• Emotional regulation

• Attention

• Mental health

• Athletic performance

One practical strategy is creating technology boundaries before bedtime.

10. Talk About Mental Health Before There's a Problem

Normalize conversations about stress, anxiety, disappointment, and emotional well-being.

Consider asking:

• "What's helping you handle stress right now?"

• "How can I support you this semester?"

• "Who can you talk to if you're struggling?"

When mental health conversations become routine, students are more likely to seek support when they need it.

A Few Tips for Parents, Too

As parents, it's easy to become focused on grades, schedules, and performance. But one of the greatest predictors of resilience is a strong parent-child relationship.

Remember:

• Connection matters more than perfection.

• Listen more than you lecture.

• Celebrate effort, not just outcomes.

• Focus on growth rather than comparison.

• Allow mistakes to become learning opportunities.

Children of every age benefit from knowing that their worth is not tied to grades, athletic achievements, or popularity.

Final Thoughts

The transition back to school is about much more than pencils, class schedules, and supply lists. It is an opportunity to help children develop confidence, resilience, emotional intelligence, and healthy habits that will serve them long after the school year is over.

Whether your child is entering kindergarten, starting middle school, or preparing for graduation, what they need most is not a perfect parent or a perfect school year.

They need a safe place to land, someone who believes in them, and consistent reminders that they are capable of handling challenges as they arise.

As parents, educators, and caregivers, our job is not to remove every obstacle from our children's path. It's to help them build the skills and confidence they need to navigate those obstacles successfully.

And that lesson may be the most important one they learn all year.

References

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). Back-to-school guidance for families and children. HealthyChildren.org.

American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Child and adolescent development. CDC.gov.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). School connectedness and youth mental health. CDC.gov.

Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary Magic: Resilience in Development. Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired. Ballantine Books.

Sullivan, A. M., & Miller, E. (2015). The importance of parent-child connection during developmental transitions. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24(12), 3518-3528.

Before You Get Too Attached: 10 Ways to Set a New Relationship Up for Success

The beginning of a new relationship can feel exhilarating. Everything is fresh, exciting, and full of possibility. You may find yourself looking forward to every text message, learning each other's stories, and imagining what the future could hold.

While chemistry and attraction often spark a connection, a healthy and lasting relationship requires much more than butterflies. Research consistently shows that successful relationships are built on trust, communication, emotional safety, shared values, and intentional effort over time (Gottman & Gottman, 2015; Stanley et al., 2020).

As a marriage and family therapist, I've found that couples who establish healthy patterns early often have a stronger foundation when challenges inevitably arise. If you're beginning a new relationship, consider these ten tips for setting yourselves up for success.

1. Take It Slow Enough to See Clearly

When we're excited about someone, it's easy to rush ahead. However, healthy relationships benefit from allowing time for trust and understanding to develop.

For example, instead of spending every waking moment together during the first few weeks, continue living your normal life while making space for the relationship to grow. Observe how your partner handles stress, disappointment, responsibility, and conflict.

Research on relationship development suggests that gradual commitment allows couples to make thoughtful decisions rather than being driven primarily by intense emotions (Stanley et al., 2020).

2. Talk About Your Values Early

Shared hobbies can create connection, but shared values often sustain relationships.

Discuss topics such as family, finances, spirituality, children, career ambitions, health, and lifestyle preferences.

For example, one partner may dream of living abroad while the other wants to stay close to extended family. Neither desire is wrong, but understanding these values early helps determine compatibility.

3. Pay Attention to Consistency

Trust is built through repeated experiences of reliability.

If someone says they'll call, do they call? If they make plans, do they follow through? Does their behavior match their words?

For example, a partner who regularly arrives late, cancels plans at the last minute, or fails to follow through on commitments may be showing you important information about their current capacity for relationship responsibility.

Consistency often predicts trustworthiness more accurately than grand romantic gestures.

4. Learn How Each of You Handles Conflict

One of the strongest predictors of relationship success is not whether conflict occurs, but how couples manage it (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).

Pay attention to whether disagreements lead to productive conversations or personal attacks.

For example, if one person says, "I felt hurt when you forgot our plans," does the other become defensive and blame-shift? Or do they listen, apologize, and seek repair?

Healthy couples understand that conflict is not the enemy. Disconnection without repair is.

5. Maintain Your Individual Identity

Healthy relationships involve two whole people choosing to share a life together.

Continue spending time with friends, pursuing personal goals, and engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.

For example, if you've always attended a monthly book club or enjoyed solo hiking trips, don't abandon those activities simply because you're in a relationship.

Research suggests that maintaining a healthy sense of self can enhance relationship satisfaction and reduce resentment over time (Aron et al., 2013).

6. Be Clear About Expectations

Many relationship disappointments result from unspoken assumptions.

Talk openly about communication preferences, exclusivity, social media boundaries, finances, and future goals.

For example, one partner may believe texting throughout the day indicates interest and care, while the other views it as distracting during work hours. Neither perspective is wrong, but discussing expectations prevents misunderstandings.

Clarity is often one of the greatest gifts we can give a relationship.

7. Observe How They Treat Other People

Character is often revealed in everyday interactions.

Notice how your partner treats waitstaff, family members, coworkers, and strangers.

For example, someone who speaks respectfully to a server after a mistake or demonstrates patience with an elderly parent is showing qualities that will likely appear in your relationship as well.

Kindness, empathy, and accountability rarely exist in only one area of life.

8. Practice Vulnerability Gradually

Emotional intimacy develops through shared vulnerability and trust.

You don't need to reveal your entire life story on the first few dates. Instead, allow self-disclosure to unfold naturally over time.

For example, sharing a difficult childhood experience and observing how your partner responds can provide valuable information about emotional safety within the relationship.

Research shows that mutual vulnerability strengthens intimacy and deepens relationship satisfaction (Reis & Shaver, 1988).

9. Notice How You Feel About Yourself

One of the most overlooked relationship questions isn't "How do I feel about them?" but "How do I feel about myself when I'm with them?"

Do you feel accepted? Respected? Encouraged?

For example, after spending time together, do you generally feel secure and valued, or do you find yourself constantly second-guessing your worth or walking on eggshells?

Healthy relationships tend to bring out our best selves, not our most anxious selves.

10. Build Together Instead of Trying to Fix One Another

A common dating trap is believing that love will change someone.

While growth is possible, healthy relationships are built on accepting who a person is today, not who you hope they become someday.

For example, if someone consistently struggles with honesty, commitment, or emotional availability, it is important to evaluate the relationship based on their current behavior rather than their potential.

Healthy partnerships involve two people committed to growth, accountability, and mutual support.

Final Thoughts

The strongest relationships are not built on perfect compatibility. They are built on trust, communication, emotional safety, and shared commitment.

The early stages of a relationship can tell us a great deal about how a partnership may function in the future. By slowing down, asking meaningful questions, communicating openly, and paying attention to patterns rather than promises, couples can create a foundation that supports both connection and resilience.

A successful relationship isn't about finding the perfect person. It's about building a healthy relationship with a real person, one intentional step at a time.

And often, the small decisions you make at the beginning become the foundation that supports your relationship for years to come.

References

Aron, A., Lewandowski, G. W., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. N. (2013). The self-expansion model of motivation and cognition in close relationships. In J. A. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships (pp. 90-115). Oxford University Press.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W.W. Norton & Company.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships (pp. 367-389). Wiley.

Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2020). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love (4th ed.). Jossey-Bass.

Foreboding Joy: Why We Brace for the Worst When Life Is Going Well

When Joy Feels Unsafe

Have you ever found yourself in a beautiful moment—watching your child sleep, celebrating a professional milestone, enjoying a vacation with people you love—only to suddenly feel a wave of anxiety?

What if something bad happens?

What if this doesn't last?

What if I lose all of this?

According to researcher and author Brené Brown, this experience is remarkably common. She calls it foreboding joy—the tendency to respond to moments of deep happiness with thoughts of potential catastrophe. Rather than fully experiencing joy, we begin mentally preparing for loss.

For many people, foreboding joy feels protective. If we anticipate disappointment, perhaps it won't hurt as much when life inevitably changes. Yet Brown's research suggests that this habit ultimately robs us of the very experiences that make life meaningful.

What Is Foreboding Joy?

Brown describes foreboding joy as the moment when joy is interrupted by fear. It is the emotional shift from:

"This is wonderful" to "Something terrible is probably about to happen."

Examples might include:

• Looking at your healthy child and suddenly imagining a tragic accident.

• Falling in love and immediately worrying about abandonment.

• Experiencing success and fearing imminent failure.

• Feeling connected in a relationship and expecting rejection.

Rather than allowing ourselves to savor happiness, we "dress rehearse tragedy"—Brown's phrase for imagining worst-case scenarios before they occur.

Foreboding joy is not necessarily a diagnosable mental health condition. Instead, it is often a learned emotional strategy intended to reduce vulnerability. As Brown explains, the underlying message is:

"If I don't let myself feel too happy, I won't be devastated if something goes wrong."

Why Do We Do This?

Brown's broader body of research centers on shame, vulnerability, courage, and connection. She argues that joy may actually be one of the most vulnerable emotions humans experience.

When we experience deep joy, we are simultaneously reminded of how much we have to lose.

The deeper the love, the greater the vulnerability.

The greater the meaning, the greater the potential for grief.

For individuals who have experienced trauma, loss, disappointment, or chronic uncertainty, this vulnerability can feel especially threatening. Trauma survivors may become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger even during safe moments. As a result, joy can trigger fear rather than relaxation.

In many ways, foreboding joy is an attempt to gain control over an uncontrollable reality: the fact that nothing in life comes with guarantees.

When Foreboding Joy Shows Up at Home

As I write this, my son is preparing to start high school.

On one hand, I feel immense pride. I see a young man who has grown in confidence, maturity, and independence. I am excited to watch him discover new interests, build friendships, and continue becoming the person he is meant to be.

On the other hand, if I'm honest, there is a part of my brain that wants to skip straight to the worries.

Will he find his people? Will he make good choices? What if he gets hurt? What if he struggles socially? What if something happens while he's driving someday? What if he experiences disappointment, rejection, heartbreak, or failure?

As parents, we often assume these fears are evidence of how deeply we love our children. And to some extent, that's true. But Brené Brown's concept of foreboding joy invites us to consider another possibility: perhaps these fears are also a reflection of how vulnerable love makes us feel.

When my son talks about being excited for high school, I have a choice. I can allow myself to stay present in the joy of this milestone, or I can mentally fast-forward through every possible thing that could go wrong over the next four years.

The truth is that my worry doesn't protect him.

My anxiety doesn't make him safer.

My catastrophic thinking doesn't prepare me for every possible outcome.

What it does do is steal my ability to fully experience this season with him.

Brown often describes foreboding joy as "dress rehearsing tragedy." In other words, when something wonderful happens, we instinctively begin preparing for loss. We imagine that if we think about the worst-case scenario often enough, it won't hurt as much if it happens.

Yet most parents know from experience that worrying ahead of time doesn't actually reduce pain. It simply spreads the suffering out over a longer period.

I don't want to spend my son's first year of high school mourning things that haven't happened. I want to celebrate who he is today. I want to enjoy conversations at the dinner table, rides to school, football games, orchestra concerts, and the ordinary moments that make up family life.

That doesn't mean I stop worrying entirely. It means that when worry shows up, I recognize it for what it is: vulnerability wearing a disguise.

Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is allow ourselves to feel grateful for what we have right now, knowing that nothing in life comes with guarantees.

The Connection Between Scarcity and Joy

A central theme in Brown's work is the concept of scarcity—the belief that there is never enough.

Not enough time.

Not enough success.

Not enough security.

Not enough certainty.

Within this mindset, joyful experiences often feel fragile and temporary. Instead of enjoying them, we begin worrying about when they will disappear. Brown identifies "letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark" as essential to cultivating gratitude and joy.

Scarcity tells us:

"Don't get too comfortable."

"Don't celebrate yet."

"Don't trust this."

The result is that we become emotionally unavailable for our own lives.

Gratitude: The Antidote to Foreboding Joy

One of Brown's most significant research findings was that joyful people consistently practiced gratitude. She observed that individuals who described themselves as joyful did not become grateful because they were happy; rather, they became joyful because they intentionally practiced gratitude.

This finding was transformative because it challenged a common assumption:

Joy is not what creates gratitude. Gratitude is what cultivates joy.

When Brown found herself imagining catastrophic scenarios involving her children, she began using those moments as reminders to practice gratitude. Instead of following the fear, she redirected her attention toward appreciation for the present moment.

Gratitude does not guarantee that painful things will never happen.

Instead, gratitude helps us remain present to what is real right now.

Foreboding Joy and Clinical Practice

As therapists, we often encounter clients who struggle to tolerate positive emotions.

Some individuals can discuss pain, anxiety, or disappointment in great detail but become uncomfortable when exploring hope, love, success, or happiness.

This reaction makes sense when viewed through a trauma-informed lens.

Positive emotions can feel risky.

Connection can feel dangerous.

Joy can feel like setting ourselves up for heartbreak.

For many clients, healing involves learning that they can survive vulnerability without immediately preparing for catastrophe. Developing emotional flexibility means allowing both joy and uncertainty to coexist. We can acknowledge life's inherent unpredictability while still engaging fully in moments of beauty and connection.

Learning to Savor Joy

Brown emphasizes that courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to remain open despite fear.

When foreboding joy appears, it can be helpful to pause and ask:

• What am I afraid of losing?

• Is this fear happening now, or am I imagining a future event?

• Can I stay present in this moment?

• What am I grateful for right now?

The goal is not to eliminate vulnerability. Vulnerability is the price of love, connection, and meaning.

The goal is to stop sacrificing today's joy in an attempt to protect ourselves from tomorrow's pain.

Final Thoughts

Foreboding joy reflects a deeply human paradox: the things we treasure most often make us feel the most vulnerable.

We love deeply, and therefore we fear loss.

We celebrate success, and therefore we fear failure.

We experience joy, and therefore we become aware of life's uncertainty.

Brené Brown's work reminds us that the answer is not to love less, hope less, or celebrate less. The answer is to cultivate gratitude and allow ourselves to fully inhabit the present moment. While we cannot prevent future heartache, we can choose not to miss today's joy because we are busy rehearsing tomorrow's tragedy.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

Brown, B. (2022). Atlas of the Heart. Random House. (Referenced in secondary sources discussing foreboding joy.)

Brown, B. (2013). "Why Joy Feels So Terrifying—and How to Let It In." O, The Oprah Magazine.

Williamsburg Therapy Group. (2024). "What Is Foreboding Joy and How Can I Avoid It?"

Psych Central. (2022). "When Joy Feels Scary: Exploring Foreboding Joy."

When the Calendar Remembers: Understanding Traumaversaries and How to Cope

There are moments in healing when clients say, “I don’t know why this week feels so heavy.” Nothing obvious has changed—yet sleep gets worse, anxiety rises, and emotions feel closer to the surface. Then, almost as an afterthought, they realize: “Oh… this is when it happened.”

This is what we often call a traumaversary.

A traumaversary, sometimes referred to as a trauma anniversary, is the date or season associated with a past traumatic event. Clinically, we might describe what follows as an “anniversary reaction”—a noticeable increase in distress, emotional intensity, or trauma-related symptoms around the time the event occurred. What makes this especially confusing is that it often happens without conscious awareness. The body begins to react before the mind catches up. That’s because trauma is stored not just as a story, but as a network of sensory and emotional memory, including cues like time of year, light, weather, and even subtle environmental shifts.

In this way, the calendar itself can become a trigger.

A Personal Reflection

I know this not only as a therapist—but as a daughter. I lost my mom to breast cancer, and there are still days throughout the year that carry a quiet weight. The date of her diagnosis. The day we said goodbye. Even the season when everything began to change.

Sometimes it’s subtle. I notice I feel more reflective, a little more tender, or more easily overwhelmed, and it takes a moment before I connect that shift to the calendar. Other times it’s unmistakable—a wave of grief that rises quickly and fully, reminding me that even though time has passed, love and loss still live in the body.

What has changed over time is not the presence of the grief, but my relationship to it. I used to interpret those moments as setbacks, wondering why I wasn’t “further along.” Now I understand them differently. These are not signs of regression. They are moments of remembrance. They are evidence that something meaningful happened—something that shaped me—and that my nervous system still recognizes its significance.

That shift—from resisting to understanding—has been part of my own healing.

A Clinical Perspective

From a clinical perspective, this makes sense. Traumaversaries often feel intense because they activate the same survival wiring that was engaged during the original event. Around these dates, people may notice increased anxiety, sadness, irritability, disrupted sleep, or even physical symptoms like fatigue or tension. For some, the distress begins days or even weeks before the actual anniversary, accompanied by a vague sense of dread that can feel confusing when it’s not yet connected to the date.

One of the most important things to understand is this: these reactions are not a sign that you are failing in your healing. They are a reflection of a nervous system that learned to protect you. In that sense, they are deeply human.

How to Prepare for a Traumaversary

When we begin to view traumaversaries as predictable patterns rather than random disruptions, something shifts. Instead of bracing against them, we can begin to prepare for them. That preparation doesn’t have to be complicated. Often, it starts with awareness—simply naming what is happening. When you can say, “This is a traumaversary response,” it changes the experience from something confusing and overwhelming into something understandable and expected.

From there, it becomes easier to approach these periods with intention. Rather than focusing only on the specific date, it can be helpful to think of a wider window of time, recognizing that your mind and body may begin to respond before the anniversary itself arrives. During that window, many people find it helpful to gently lower expectations, build in more rest, and approach themselves with flexibility rather than pressure.

Grounding becomes especially important during these times. Trauma has a way of pulling us into the past, and grounding helps bring us back into the present. This might look like noticing your surroundings, naming what is currently safe, or engaging your senses in simple, tangible ways. These practices do not erase what happened, but they remind your nervous system that you are no longer there.

Connection also plays a significant role in navigating traumaversaries. Letting a trusted person know that a difficult date is approaching, or intentionally planning some form of gentle support, can create a buffer against isolation. You do not have to carry those days alone.

Over time, many people also find meaning in creating small rituals. These moments of intention can transform an anniversary from something that happens to you into something you actively shape. Lighting a candle, writing a reflection, visiting a meaningful place, or engaging in a spiritual practice can all offer a sense of grounding and connection.

In my own life, this has been one of the most powerful shifts. The days connected to my mom’s illness and loss still come around each year, but they no longer feel like something I have to get through as quickly as possible. Instead, they are days I move through with awareness. Sometimes they are heavy. Sometimes they are quiet. Often, they are both.

And increasingly, they carry not only grief—but love, memory, and meaning.

Traumaversaries remind us that healing does not mean forgetting. It means learning how to stay present when remembering arises. With awareness, preparation, and compassion, even the hardest dates on the calendar can become something more than just pain. They can become part of an ongoing story of resilience, connection, and care.

References

Ellie Mental Health. (2025). Trauma anniversaries: How to recognize, cope, and support loved ones.

Hamblen, J., Friedman, M. J., & Schnurr, P. P. (2016). Anniversary reactions in adults. National Center for PTSD.

Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. (2024). The anniversary effect of traumatic experiences.

Mission Connection Healthcare. (2026). 5 grounding techniques for trauma triggers.

MQ Mental Health Research. (2024). What is a traumaversary and how can it affect us?

NeuroLaunch Editorial Team. (2024). Understanding trauma anniversaries: The anniversary effect in PTSD.

Simply Psychology Editorial Team. (2026). Trauma anniversaries: Why certain dates bring symptoms back.

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (2025). Trauma reminders: Anniversaries.

AFN. (n.d.). Grounding techniques for trauma.

Rituals of Connection: Why Our Annual Family Vacation Matters

We just returned from a week-long family trip across Tennessee—Dollywood, long car rides, arcade stops, laughter that bordered on chaos, and the kind of exhaustion that only comes from being fully present with your people. As I slowly transitioned back into normal life—unpacking suitcases, opening emails, stepping back into my roles as a clinician, leader, and mom—I found myself reflecting on something I often teach, but don’t always fully feel in the moment: this wasn’t just a vacation. It was a ritual of connection.

In the Gottman Method, rituals of connection are more than routines or traditions. They are intentional, repeated interactions that carry shared emotional meaning and create a sense of predictability and belonging in relationships. These rituals are the ways we consistently communicate, “You matter to me,” and “We are in this together.” Over time, they contribute to what Gottman calls shared meaning, a foundational piece of strong, lasting relationships. They also create opportunities to “turn toward” one another—those small moments where someone reaches out for attention, connection, or support, and we choose to respond. Those repeated moments build an emotional bank account of trust and closeness that sustains relationships over time.

When I think about our annual family vacations through that lens, I see them differently now. They are not just time off—they are a deeply intentional ritual that reinforces who we are to each other.

This trip felt especially meaningful because we didn’t just travel as a single family—we vacationed alongside another family who shares similar values around connection and togetherness. There was an unspoken agreement between us that the goal of the week wasn’t to maximize activity or check every box. It was to be present. To let connection be the priority over productivity—even on vacation. And that shared value changes everything. It creates space where conversations can linger, where kids can play without being rushed to the next thing, and where relationships—both adult and child—have room to deepen.

One of the most unexpectedly meaningful parts of the trip was watching our children be loved and engaged by other healthy, caring adults. There is something deeply reassuring—and honestly, deeply moving—about seeing other adults take genuine interest in your kids. Not in a surface-level way, but in a present, invested, “I see who you are and I enjoy being with you” kind of way.

As a parent, we carry so much of the responsibility for nurturing, guiding, and showing up for our children. And while that is meaningful, it can also feel heavy at times. Being in a community—even temporarily—where other adults are laughing with your kids, including them, asking them questions, and creating moments of connection with them helps distribute that emotional load in such a healthy way. It reminds our children that they are valued not just within the safety of their immediate family, but in the broader world around them. And it reminds us, as parents, that we are not meant to do this alone.

I was also reminded how natural it feels to reconnect with people who already know you well. In the middle of full, busy lives, there are often quiet gaps in social connection that develop—not because we don’t value relationships, but because life gets crowded. Responsibilities increase, time gets tighter, and friendships that once felt effortless require more intention to sustain. The connection doesn’t disappear, but it can go dormant.

This trip gave us the chance to step back into those relationships, and it didn’t feel forced or awkward. It felt like returning. The conversations picked up easily. The laughter came quickly. That sense of being known—without needing to explain yourself—reappeared almost immediately. And in that reconnection, something was restored.

Research on family travel supports this broader impact. Vacations don’t just strengthen immediate family bonds—they also provide meaningful opportunities to reconnect socially, deepen relationships, and reinforce a sense of belonging and identity. In many ways, they help fill in the relational gaps that naturally form in the busyness of everyday life.

At the same time, the impact on our immediate family was just as significant. Research shows that shared travel experiences increase bonding, improve communication, and strengthen emotional connection while creating lasting memories. When we step outside of our routines, we step out of autopilot. We slow down just enough to see each other again, listen more closely, and engage more fully.

This week was not perfect. There were long lines, tired kids, overstimulation, and moments where I absolutely lost my patience. And still, what stands out most is how much we laughed, how much time we spent side by side, and how naturally connection resurfaced when we made space for it.

It reminded me that connection doesn’t need to be manufactured—it needs to be prioritized.

Stepping away from work and routine can feel uncomfortable, especially for those of us who carry a lot of responsibility. There is a quiet pressure to keep producing, to stay ahead, to not fall behind. But time away from routine has been shown to reduce stress and improve overall well-being. More importantly, it restores our capacity to be present—within our families, within our friendships, and within ourselves.

As I sit here now, with laundry still waiting and real life fully back in motion, I feel something deeper than rest. I feel reconnected—to my family, to meaningful friendships, and to the shared values that ground us.

Because this week wasn’t just about getting away.

It was about returning—to each other, to community, and to the rhythms that keep our relationships strong.

And about remembering how good it feels when we don’t have to carry connection alone.

References

Gottman Institute. (2017). 5 rituals to reconnect in your relationship.

Gottman Institute. (2026). The little things that keep love strong.

Schänzel, H. A. (2013). The importance of “social” in family tourism. Asia-Pacific Journal of Innovation in Hospitality and Tourism, 2(1), 1–15.

Mirehie, M., & Sharayevska, I. (n.d.). Family travel, positive psychology, and well-being. Indiana University ScholarWorks.

Durko, A. M., & Petrick, J. F. (2013). The benefits of travel: Family and relationships literature review. Texas A&M University.

Center for Relationship and Sexual Wellness. (2024). The importance of rituals in relationships: Insights from Gottman’s research.

The Psychology of Shared Music: Concerts, Connection, Fandom, and the Case for Letting People Love What They Love

There is something profoundly human about gathering in a room full of strangers and feeling, even briefly, like you all belong to each other. Concerts are not just entertainment—they are emotional ecosystems.

As a therapist, I spend my days helping people regulate their nervous systems, repair attachment wounds, and reconnect with parts of themselves that have been silenced or forgotten. And increasingly, I find myself pointing to something deceptively simple as part of that healing process:

Go experience music with other people.

My face of pure joy watching Sara Bareilles at the Hollywood Bowl!

The Mental Health Benefits of Concert Attendance

1. Social Connection and Belonging

A robust body of research confirms that social connection is foundational to mental health. Live events—including concerts—offer a unique environment that facilitates both bonding with close others and meaningful connection with strangers.

Unlike many structured social interactions, concerts create a shared emotional experience where participants are synchronized in attention, movement, and affect. This phenomenon, often referred to as “collective effervescence,” produces a sense of unity and transcendence that contributes to lasting well-being.

In simple terms:
We feel less alone because, for a moment, we are literally in it together.

2. Emotional Regulation and Stress Reduction

Music engagement—especially in live settings—has been shown to reduce anxiety, improve mood, and enhance emotional well-being.

Research also indicates that listening to music in group settings can decrease stress hormones such as cortisol, offering measurable physiological relief.

Additionally, shared music experiences stimulate neurochemical processes associated with bonding and safety, including the release of oxytocin—the hormone linked to trust and connection.

For many individuals, especially those navigating chronic stress or trauma, concerts function as a nervous-system reset—accessible, embodied, and deeply regulating.

3. Identity Formation and Meaning-Making

Music does not simply accompany our lives—it organizes them.

Research suggests that engagement with music contributes to identity development, mood regulation, and meaning-making processes across the lifespan.

Songs become markers of time. Lyrics give language to experiences we may not yet fully understand. Albums hold entire seasons of our lives.

The Psychology of Fandom: When Loving Something Is Good for You

Reframing “Obsession” as Connection

The term “obsession” is often used pejoratively, particularly when describing fans—especially women—who express deep affection for artists or creative work.

However, contemporary psychological research offers a more nuanced perspective.

Most fans exist within what researchers describe as the “entertainment-social” or “intense-personal” range, both of which are considered normative and often beneficial. Only extreme, boundary-violating behaviors fall into clinically concerning categories.

Fandom, in its healthy form, provides:

• Belonging and community

• Identity scaffolding

• Emotional expression and validation

• Motivation and inspiration

In fact, parasocial relationships—those one-sided emotional connections to public figures—can serve as “valuable social resources” that reduce loneliness and provide comfort.

These bonds are not inherently pathological. They are human.

Fandom as Social Identity

Fandoms operate as communities, shaped by shared values, language, and rituals. Participation in these communities contributes to social identity and self-concept.

For individuals who have felt marginalized, misunderstood, or isolated, fandom can become a space of recognition:

A place where you don’t have to explain why it matters—because everyone already knows.

Why We Should Stop Shaming People for Loving What They Love

Despite the evidence supporting the benefits of fandom, cultural narratives continue to dismiss or ridicule people—especially women and adolescents—for their enthusiasm toward artists or bands.

This is not benign.

Research consistently demonstrates that belonging is a core psychological need. Disrupting or dismissing a source of belonging can have real emotional consequences.

Moreover, fandom communities are often described as supportive environments that allow individuals to express themselves, develop skills, and experience social connection.

When we shame someone for loving something that causes no harm, we are not correcting behavior—we are invalidating joy, identity, and connection.

In some cases, we are reinforcing the very isolation we claim to be concerned about.

A Personal Reflection: On Being a “Super Fan”

As both a clinician and a human being, I would be remiss not to acknowledge my own place in this conversation.

I am, without hesitation, a Sara Bareilles super fan.

Her music has been woven through the fabric of my life for years. Each album represents a different season—different versions of myself, different thresholds of growth, different moments of grief and becoming.

There are songs that held me when words failed.
Songs that gave me courage when I needed to speak.
Songs that reminded me who I was when I felt disconnected from myself.

My only tattoo is a song title—written in Sara Bareilles’ own handwriting.

That is not incidental.
That is integration.

From a clinical lens, this is a clear example of how music can function as a relational anchor—a consistent, meaningful thread woven through shifting life experiences.

From a human lens, it’s simply this:

Her work has mattered to me.

A few years ago, I attended a Sara Bareilles concert at the iconic Hollywood Bowl, and what unfolded that evening was a near-perfect example of what research describes as collective effervescence—that sense of unity, emotional synchronization, and belonging that emerges in shared musical spaces.

From the moment we arrived, the experience was relational.

We spread out a picnic—sushi, charcuterie, a bottle of wine—settling into a setting that felt both intimate and expansive, surrounded by the unmistakable magic of a California evening. The weather was perfect. The atmosphere was alive. The Bowl itself—layered in history and meaning—felt like a sacred space for connection.

And then something subtle but profound happened.

I felt instantly connected to the strangers sitting around us.

No introductions necessary. No background context. No social posturing. Just a shared understanding: we are here because this matters to us.

This is the psychology of concerts in real time—barriers drop, and what remains is a shared emotional language.

The Experience of Shared Meaning

The evening opened with Renée Elise Goldsberry—known to many as Angelica from Hamilton—whose performance set the tone for what would become an emotionally expansive night.

Then, Sara took the stage.

She moved seamlessly between beloved songs and selections from her work in musical theater—reminding us that music is not only entertainment, but storytelling, identity-building, and creative expression all at once.

At one point, she debuted two new songs, including one from the upcoming musical The Interestings, which premiers this January. There is something uniquely powerful about witnessing art in its becoming—it invites the audience into the creative process, deepening both connection and meaning.

Midway through the show, she transitioned off the stage and into the audience—performing just a short distance away from where we sat. In that moment, the boundary between artist and audience dissolved. It became less about performance and more about presence.

Emotion, Regulation, and Permission

I had not seen Sara Bareilles perform live since 2019, though I’ve had the privilege of seeing her perform in Waitress and Into the Woods in New York City.

And yet, this experience was different.

More personal.
More emotional.
More integrated.

For a significant portion of the show, I found myself crying—freely, openly.

Not just out of sadness. Not just out of joy.

But both.

This is something I emphasize often in clinical practice:
All feelings are valid—and often, they coexist.

Live music creates a space where emotional expression is not only permitted, but normalized. You don’t have to explain why a song matters. You don’t have to justify your emotional response.

You just get to feel it.

Music as a Lifeline Across Time

When I say that Sara Bareilles’ music has “saved me,” I do not mean that metaphorically.

Her music has accompanied me through multiple chapters of my life—grief, growth, identity shifts, moments of quiet resilience and profound transformation. Each album holds a story. Each song carries emotional data that has helped me process experiences I did not yet have language for.

This is consistent with what we know clinically:
Music becomes an emotional container, a regulation tool, and a continuity anchor for identity.

It links who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming.

Clinical Implications

For therapists, educators, and caregivers, the implications are clear:

• Encourage shared music experiences as a form of relational connection

• Validate fandom as a legitimate source of meaning and identity

• Assess for balance rather than intensity when evaluating fan engagement

• Challenge internalized shame around passion, joy, and enthusiasm

And perhaps most importantly:

Recognize that what may appear trivial from the outside often carries deep psychological significance on the inside.

Conclusion

We live in a culture that often encourages detachment while quietly longing for connection.

Concerts offer connection.
Music offers regulation.
Fandom offers belonging.

And joy—unapologetic, enthusiastic joy—is not something we should be teaching people to suppress.

If something is meaningful, life-giving, and causes no harm, we do not need to pathologize it.

We may, in fact, need more of it.

And if you ever find me in a crowd, singing every word of a Sara Bareilles song with complete emotional commitment—know that from both a clinical and personal perspective…

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

References

Becker, A. S., et al. (2026). Musician presence and its effects on physiological and psychological well-being in live versus livestreamed concerts. Scientific Reports.

Brenner, B. (2025). The psychology of parasocial relationships: From fandom to healthy boundaries. Therapy Group DC.

Dingle, G. A., et al. (2021). How do music activities affect health and well-being? A scoping review. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.

Godman, H. (2024). Do parasocial relationships fill a loneliness gap? Harvard Health Publishing.

Wiedeck, C. (2025). 14 surprising health benefits of attending concerts. Festivaltopia.

Jackson, M. M., & Thompson, A. (2024). Psychological impacts of fandom culture. Ohio State University analysis.

Is Empathy Who You Are—or Something You Can Learn?

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do some people just naturally get it… and others don’t?”—you’re not alone. This question comes up in therapy rooms all the time. It lives in conversations about relationships, parenting, leadership, and even self-compassion. At its core is a deeply human curiosity: Is empathy something we’re born with, or something we can learn?

The answer, grounded in decades of psychological and neuroscience research, is both simple and complex: empathy is partly a personality trait and partly a skill that can be developed across the lifespan. Understanding that dual nature can be incredibly freeing—especially if empathy didn’t always come easily to you.

Let’s begin with a shared language.

What Is Empathy?

Empathy is often described casually as “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes,” but in psychology, it is understood as a more nuanced, multi-dimensional capacity.

The American Psychological Association defines empathy as understanding another person from their frame of reference and vicariously experiencing their emotions, thoughts, and perceptions.

Contemporary research expands this further, describing empathy as both:

• the ability to understand another person’s inner experience, and

• the ability to emotionally resonate with that experience, while still maintaining a sense of self-other distinction

Most scholars divide empathy into two core components:

Cognitive empathy
The ability to understand what someone else might be feeling.

Affective (emotional) empathy
The ability to feel a responsive emotional connection to another’s experience.

These two don’t always align perfectly—and in clinical practice, helping people strengthen both (while staying regulated) is key.

Is Empathy a Personality Trait?

There’s some truth to the idea that empathy is part of who we are. Research shows that empathy has trait-like qualities, meaning people tend to have relatively stable patterns of empathic responsiveness across time.

Genetics and temperament also play a role. Studies estimate that roughly 30–50% of differences in empathy may be influenced by genetic factors, with the rest shaped by environment and experience.

Additionally, empathy tends to correlate with personality traits like Agreeableness, which includes compassion, warmth, and cooperation.

And yet, this is only part of the picture.

Why Empathy Is Not Fixed

Empathy is not a static characteristic that you either have or don’t have.

Psychologists distinguish between trait empathy (your general tendency) and state empathy (what shows up in a given moment).

That means:

• You can generally be empathic and still struggle when you’re overwhelmed.

• You can struggle with empathy and still show deep attunement in certain relationships.

In fact, some research shows that situational factors—like stress, emotional state, or context—can influence empathic responses more than personality traits in the moment.

Empathy is dynamic. It rises and falls. It can be strengthened—and it can also be depleted.

Can Empathy Be Learned?

Here is the part I most want people to hear:

Empathy can absolutely be learned, strengthened, and rebuilt at any age.

Systematic research shows that targeted empathy training programs lead to measurable improvements in empathic capacity, especially when they include practice, reflection, and feedback.

Other studies confirm that experiential approaches—like role-playing, narrative work, and mindfulness—are particularly effective in increasing empathy.

There’s even evidence that empathy-related processes can change at the neurological level through training and intentional practice.

In other words:
Empathy is not just something you are—it is something you practice.

Brené Brown on Empathy and Boundaries

Brené Brown’s work has brought a powerful and clinically useful lens to empathy—one that I see resonate deeply with clients.

She reframes empathy not as a personality trait, but as a set of skills that can be taught and practiced, which aligns closely with the research on empathy training. But perhaps even more importantly, she highlights something that is often missing from conversations about empathy:

Empathy requires boundaries.

In her work on vulnerability, shame, and connection, Brown emphasizes that true empathy is not about over-identifying, fixing, or absorbing someone else’s pain. It is about staying present with another person while remaining grounded in your own emotional center.

She makes a distinction between empathy and sympathy, reminding us that:

• Sympathy often distances (“at least…” statements)

• Empathy connects (“I’m here with you in this”)

But empathy without boundaries can quickly lead to overwhelm, burnout, or emotional enmeshment.

This is where her work intersects beautifully with trauma-informed care:

• We need self-awareness to recognize our limits.

• We need emotional regulation to stay present without flooding.

• We need clear boundaries to sustain empathy over time.

Brown often says, “Clear is kind.”
And when it comes to empathy, that truth matters.

You can care deeply about someone and still say:

• “I want to support you, and I need to pause right now.”

• “I hear how hard this is, and I’m not able to fix it—but I’m with you.”

• “I care about you, and I also need to take care of myself.”

In clinical work, I often tell clients:
Empathy that costs you your nervous system is not sustainable empathy.

When empathy is paired with boundaries, it becomes:

• more regulated

• more authentic

• more enduring

And ultimately, more healing—for both people.

How Empathy Develops Across the Lifespan

Empathy begins early in life, shaped by temperament and caregiving.

In infancy, we see emotional contagion. Over time, children develop perspective-taking, emotional regulation, and moral awareness, deepening their empathic capacity.

Caregiving environments play a major role—attuned relationships foster empathy, while chronic stress or relational disruption can interfere with its development.

But development doesn’t stop in childhood.

Empathy continues to evolve throughout adulthood, shaped by:

• relationships

• lived experiences

• intentional reflection

• exposure to new perspectives

How to Develop Empathy at Any Age

Developing empathy is less about becoming someone new and more about strengthening existing capacities.

In both research and practice, the following approaches consistently help:

• Emotional awareness – learning to identify and regulate your own feelings

• Perspective-taking – intentionally imagining another person’s experience

• Curiosity over judgment – asking questions instead of making assumptions

• Reflective practices – journaling, therapy, or mindfulness

• Attuned listening – being fully present without fixing or interrupting

Even everyday experiences—like reading stories, engaging with diverse perspectives, or having meaningful conversations—can expand empathic capacity.

A Trauma-Informed Perspective

From a trauma-informed lens, it’s important to name this clearly:

If empathy feels hard for you, that may not be about your character—it may be about your history.

If your early environment was emotionally unsafe, overwhelming, or inconsistent, your nervous system may have learned to prioritize protection over attunement.

That is adaptive.

And it is not permanent.

With safety, support, and intentional practice, empathy can be rebuilt—even in adulthood.

Final Thoughts

Empathy is not simply something you either have or don’t have.

It is:

• a capacity influenced by temperament and early development,

• a dynamic response shaped by context, and

• a skill that can be cultivated over time.

Brené Brown’s work reminds us of something essential:
Empathy is not about losing yourself in someone else’s experience—it’s about being present with them while staying anchored in yourself.

And that is where real connection happens.

If empathy has felt difficult for you, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of it.
It may simply mean no one ever showed you how to practice it safely.

The good news?
You can learn—at any stage of life—to understand, connect, and respond in ways that deepen both your relationships and your sense of self.

References

Abramson, A. (2021). Cultivating empathy. Monitor on Psychology, 52(8). American Psychological Association.

American Psychological Association. (2023). Empathy. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Cunsolo, S., Richardson, D., & Vrolijk, M. (2021). How empathizing develops and affects well-being throughout childhood. UNICEF Office of Research – Innocenti.

Decety, J., & Jackson, P. L. (2004). A social-neuroscience perspective on empathy. Current Directions in Psychological Science.

Decety, J., & Holvoet, C. (2021). The emergence of empathy: A developmental neuroscience perspective. Developmental Review.

Fabi, S., Weber, L. A., & Leuthold, H. (2019). Empathic concern and personal distress depend on situational but not dispositional factors. PLOS ONE, 14(11).

Håkansson Eklund, J., & Meranius, M. S. (2021). Empathy as a multidimensional construct. Frontiers in Psychology.

Larionow, P. (2025). The dark and light sides of empathy: Clinical relevance of cognitive and affective empathy. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education, 15(3).

Martingano, A. J. (2025). Yes, empathy can be trained like any other muscle. Psychology Today.

Riess, H. (2021). Empathy can be taught and learned with evidence-based education. Emergency Medicine Journal, 39(6).

Schwartzkopf, C. T., Alves, R. T., Lopes, P. C., et al. (2025). The role of training and education for enhancing empathy among healthcare students: A systematic review. BMC Medical Education.

Srivastava, K., & Das, R. C. (2016). Empathy: Process of adaptation and change—Is it trainable? Industrial Psychiatry Journal, 25(1).

Wang, H., Habil, H., & Ibrahim, N. A. (2026). Empathy training in health professions education: A systematic review. International Medical Education, 5(2).

Additional for Brené Brown

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Spiegel & Grau.

Memorial Day in Central Illinois: Holding Grief, Honoring Loss, and Supporting Each Other

The Meaning Beneath the Long Weekend

Memorial Day in Central Illinois often arrives with the things we’ve come to expect this time of year—parades in Peoria, backyard gatherings, kids running barefoot in the grass, and that subtle sense that summer is finally beginning. It’s a rhythm our community knows well. And yet, for many people, this day carries something much heavier beneath the surface.

There is often a quiet pause that accompanies the noise. A name that lingers just beneath awareness. A memory that feels unexpectedly close.

Memorial Day is not just a long weekend. It is a day of remembrance—a time to honor those who died in service to our country and to acknowledge the grief carried by the families, friends, and communities who continue living with that loss. And here in Central Illinois, where community runs deep, that collective remembering can feel both comforting and profoundly painful at the same time.

How Grief Shows Up (Especially on Days Like This)

For many families, especially those connected to military service, Memorial Day can reopen grief in ways that feel surprising, even years later. Grief does not follow a calendar. It lives in the body, in memory, and in the nervous system, often resurfacing when something reminds us of who we’ve lost.

One of the most important things I remind clients—and myself—is that grief is not linear. It is not a set of predictable stages that unfold neatly over time. Research continues to show us that grief is a deeply personal process that shifts, ebbs, and returns in waves.

You may find yourself feeling deep sadness, irritation, numbness, fatigue, or even moments of laughter that come with a surprising sense of guilt. All of this is normal. Grief doesn't just live in our emotions—it affects our bodies, our sleep, our focus, and our energy. And around days like Memorial Day, those responses are often amplified because the meaning of the day taps into something deeper than words.

Why Memorial Day Can Feel Especially Heavy

Here in Peoria and across Central Illinois, Memorial Day is marked by ceremonies, flags placed with intention, and moments of reflection in shared spaces. For some, these rituals create connection and healing. For others, they intensify the awareness of absence. They highlight who is not here to stand beside us anymore.

For families of fallen service members, Memorial Day can bring grief to the surface in powerful ways, reminding them that their loss is ongoing and deeply personal.

Even if your loss is unrelated to military service, grief is still valid. Loss does not need a specific category to matter. If you are missing someone today, that experience deserves space.

A Personal Reflection: Gratitude and Perspective

As I sit with the meaning of Memorial Day each year, I also find myself reflecting on my own family.

My brother served in the U.S. Army and was deployed to Poland during COVID—a time when the entire world already felt uncertain and fragile. Like so many military families, we lived in that in-between space of pride and quiet anxiety. There is something unique about loving someone who serves. You carry both honor and fear at the same time. You go about daily life while part of your mind gently scans the horizon of “what ifs.”

That experience changed how I sit with this day.

Because when Memorial Day comes around, I feel something very specific: gratitude. My brother came home safely. And I am deeply aware that not every family gets that reality.

For many, Memorial Day is not about reflection alone—it is about permanent absence. For Gold Star families and for those who have lost loved ones in service, this day is not symbolic. It is deeply personal. It represents the cost of service and the continuation of love long after loss.

Holding my own gratitude alongside that awareness has deepened my respect for families who carry that grief every single day—not just on Memorial Day. It reminds me that behind every flag is a story, a family, and a life that mattered deeply.

And if you are someone carrying that kind of loss, I want to say this clearly: your grief is seen. Your loved one is remembered. What you carry matters.

Learning to Care for Grief Instead of Fix It

For those navigating grief—whether your loss is tied to military service or not—healing does not come from trying to eliminate grief. It comes from learning how to be in relationship with it.

That often begins with allowing your feelings to exist without judgment. Many people try to minimize or push away their grief, especially when others around them appear to be “doing fine.” But grief that is ignored tends to linger longer. When we give it space—through tears, memory, writing, or quiet reflection—we begin to support the natural healing process.

Connection also plays a critical role. While grief often pulls people inward, isolation can deepen suffering. Reaching out, even in small ways, can create moments of relief and connection in the midst of pain. Sharing a memory, sitting with someone, or simply allowing yourself to be supported can make a meaningful difference.

The Role of Ritual, Body Care, and Meaning

Rituals can be especially powerful on Memorial Day. They offer a way to honor grief while staying connected to love. Whether that means attending a ceremony in Peoria, lighting a candle at home, or visiting a meaningful place, these actions create space for remembrance and reflection.

Grief also lives in the body. Many people notice sleep disruptions, fatigue, or difficulty concentrating during periods of loss. Gentle care—rest, nourishment, and movement—can help regulate the nervous system during an emotionally intense time.

And in the midst of grief, there is something that often feels complicated but is deeply human: moments of joy.

It is okay to laugh.
It is okay to feel lightness.

Grief and joy are not opposites—they exist together. Feeling joy does not mean you have forgotten. It means you are continuing to live.

What It Really Means to Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Supporting someone in grief often feels intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. What matters most is presence.

Many people worry about saying the wrong thing and end up saying nothing at all. But silence can feel like distance. A simple acknowledgment—letting someone know you are thinking of them or remembering their loved one—can offer meaningful comfort.

Grief is not something to fix, and attempts to do so can sometimes feel minimizing. What helps most is showing up, listening, and allowing someone’s experience to be exactly what it is.

It also matters to continue showing up over time. Support often fades after the initial loss, but grief does not. When someone checks in weeks or months later, it reminds the grieving person that they haven’t been forgotten.

And perhaps most importantly, supporting someone means respecting their unique process. There is no single right way to grieve. Some people want to talk openly. Others need space. Healing happens when people are given permission to move through grief in ways that feel authentic to them.

A Final Reflection for Memorial Day

Here in Central Illinois, we pride ourselves on community. Memorial Day offers an opportunity not just to gather, but to reflect, to remember, and to gently make space for the grief that so many people carry quietly.

If this day feels heavy for you, you are not alone.
If it feels peaceful, that is okay too.

Grief is not something we get over. It is something we learn to carry.

And over time, with support and self-compassion, that weight shifts. It softens—not because the loss mattered less, but because you have learned how to hold it differently.

This Memorial Day, whether you are standing at a ceremony in Peoria, sitting quietly at home, or surrounded by family while carrying something deeper underneath, know this:

You are allowed to feel all of it.
And you do not have to carry it alone.

References

• American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Tools for dealing with grief.

• Harvard Health Publishing. (2026). Ways to support someone who is grieving.

• National Institute on Aging. (2024). Coping with grief and loss.

• Psychology Today. (2026). How to best support someone who is grieving.

• Simply Psychology. (2026). How to support a grieving person.

• The Conversation. (2025). Research-backed grief support strategies.

• U.S. News & World Report. (2026). How to cope with grief.

• Mental Health America. (n.d.). Bereavement and grief for military families.

• GriefShare. (n.d.). Memorial Day and grief.

• Refinery Counseling Services. (n.d.). Grief and healing on Memorial Day.

• Mission Roll Call. (2024). Supporting grief on Memorial Day.

The Gifts of Imperfection: What Brené Brown Taught Me About Letting Go of “Enough”

There’s a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from trying to be everything to everyone—especially when your brain is wired to notice every misstep, replay every conversation, and quietly whisper, “You could have done that better.”

If you’ve ever felt that pull toward perfection—whether in parenting, relationships, or your work—you are not alone.

That’s why I find myself returning (and re-reading, especially when life feels misaligned) Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s not just a book—it’s a gentle but powerful recalibration. A reminder that the goal isn’t perfection. It’s wholehearted living.

Let me walk you through some of the key takeaways that have shaped both my personal life and my work with clients.

1. You Are Worthy of Love and Belonging—Right Now

At the core of Brown’s work is this simple but life-altering truth:

We don’t have to earn our worthiness.

And yet, so many of us live as if we do.

We hustle for approval. We perform for acceptance. We shape-shift in relationships hoping to avoid rejection.

For those of us with ADHD, rejection sensitivity, or perfectionistic tendencies, this can feel especially relentless.

But Brown reminds us:
Worthiness is not something you achieve. It’s something you remember.

2. Perfectionism Is Not the Same as Healthy Striving

This one hits hard in therapy rooms.

Perfectionism often masks itself as ambition, responsibility, or “just caring a lot.” But underneath, it’s usually driven by fear:

• Fear of failure

• Fear of judgment

• Fear of not being enough

Healthy striving says: “I want to grow.”
Perfectionism says: “I can’t mess this up.”

And those are very different nervous system experiences.

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean letting go of standards. It means releasing the belief that your value is dependent on performance.

3. Vulnerability Is Strength, Not Weakness

Many of us were raised—implicitly or explicitly—to believe that vulnerability is risky.

“Don’t cry.”
“Don’t need too much.”
“Don’t let them see you struggle.”

But Brown reframes vulnerability as the birthplace of:

• Connection

• Creativity

• Joy

• Love

Without it, we may feel protected—but we also feel disconnected.

In my work, I often remind clients:
You cannot experience deep connection while staying emotionally armored.

4. Authenticity Requires Choice (and Courage)

Living authentically isn’t just about “being yourself.” It’s about actively choosing:

• Honesty over approval

• Boundaries over burnout

• Alignment over people-pleasing

And let’s be honest—those choices are not always comfortable.

Sometimes authenticity means disappointing others.
Sometimes it means outgrowing roles that once felt safe.

But over time, it leads to something so much more sustainable:
a life that actually feels like yours.

5. Shame Thrives in Silence—Connection Heals It

Shame is the quiet voice that says:
“Something about me is wrong.”

It keeps us small. Isolated. Careful.

Brown’s research shows that shame cannot survive when it’s:

• Named

• Shared

• Met with empathy

This is why safe relationships—whether with a therapist, a friend, or a partner—matter so much.

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation.
It happens in connection.

6. Self-Compassion Changes Everything

If you take one thing from this book, let it be this:

You deserve the same kindness you offer everyone else.

And yet, most of us speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone we love.

Self-compassion isn’t indulgent. It’s necessary.

It allows us to:

• Recover from mistakes more quickly

• Take emotional risks

• Build resilience (not shame-based compliance)

7. Let Go of Comparison and Scarcity Thinking

In a world of highlight reels, it’s easy to fall into the trap of:

• “They’re doing better than me”

• “I should be further along by now”

• “There’s only so much success to go around”

Brown calls this scarcity thinking—the belief that we are never enough.

But the truth is:

Comparison disconnects us from our own life.

Practicing gratitude and “enoughness” helps anchor us back into what actually matters.

8. Rest, Play, and Joy Are Not Luxuries

This is one I revisit often (and gently nudge my therapist-self about when I forget).

We tend to treat rest as something we earn after productivity.
But Brown invites us to see it differently:

• Rest is restorative—not a reward

• Play is essential—not optional

• Joy is part of resilience—not a distraction

For many of us, reclaiming these requires unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs about productivity and worth.

A Gentle Closing Reflection

If you are in a season of reevaluating your life, your relationships, or your own expectations of yourself—this work matters.

Letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be…
to become who you actually are…
isn’t easy.

But it’s worth it.

Every time.

Try This: A Small Practice in Wholehearted Living

Take a moment to reflect:

• Where am I striving for perfection instead of connection?

• Where am I abandoning myself to maintain approval?

• What would it look like to show up just 10% more authentically this week?

Small shifts create meaningful change.

If This Brings Up Something Tender…

That makes sense.

Exploring worthiness, shame, and authenticity can feel vulnerable—especially if you’ve spent a long time protecting yourself.

You don’t have to navigate that alone.

Further Reading

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly

• Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong

When There Isn’t a Clear Plan: Parenting Through the Uncertainty of High School Graduation

This article was inspired by a conversation with a client navigating something many parents silently carry this time of year.

Her child is graduating high school—but not onto a clearly defined, traditional path. There isn’t a polished answer to “What’s next?” There isn’t a neat, impressive narrative to offer at parties or in passing conversations.

And what felt stressful for her in this present moment wasn’t only her child’s path.

It was not knowing how to respond to the questions.

There is a particular kind of vulnerability that comes with parenting a high school senior.

It shows up in small, unexpected moments—like standing in a grocery store line when someone casually asks, “So where is your child going next year?” Or sitting at a graduation party where conversations seem to orbit prestige, plans, and certainty.

And suddenly, what should feel like a season of celebration starts to feel…exposed.

Because maybe your child doesn’t have a clear path yet.
Or maybe their plan is still forming, shifting, unfolding.
Or maybe their path looks quieter, less traditional, or less “high-achieving” than those around you.

And if you’re honest, that can stir something up in you, too.

Not just concern—but a subtle, creeping pressure.

When It Becomes Personal

We don’t talk enough about how much of our identity can get tangled up in our children’s milestones.

When they graduate, it can feel—whether we intend it or not—like we, too, are being evaluated.

• Did I prepare them enough?

• Did I push too hard…or not hard enough?

• What does their path say about me?

I’ve felt echoes of this myself lately.

My son just graduated 8th grade, and while I know that is a beautiful milestone in itself, I can feel the horizon shifting. High school is suddenly right in front of us. This next season—the one that ends in “what comes next”—feels closer than I am quite ready for.

And even in this earlier transition, I notice the mix of emotions:

Pride.
Excitement.
A quiet sense of time moving faster than I expected.

If I’m being honest, I’m just beginning to come to grips with how quickly we arrive at these questions as parents—how quickly we’re asked to shift from guiding a childhood to releasing toward adulthood.

The Reality of Emerging Adulthood

What we call “adulthood” has changed.

Many young adults today are:

• Exploring multiple paths before committing

• Taking time to recover from academic or emotional burnout

• Prioritizing mental health in ways previous generations weren’t allowed to

• Moving at a pace that values fit over speed

This is not failure.

It’s a different—and often healthier—developmental process.

But culturally, we still tend to celebrate certainty and prestige. We still reward quick answers and visible achievement.

And that gap between reality and expectation is where so much parental stress lives.

When the Questions Come

If you’re in this season, you know the questions:

• “Where are they going?”

• “What are they studying?”

• “What’s the plan?”

And when your answer doesn’t feel clear or socially impressive, there can be an almost immediate urge to:

Over-explain.
Justify.
Minimize.
Or reshape the answer into something more acceptable.

But your child’s life is not a performance.

And you do not owe anyone a polished version of their becoming.

How to Respond—With Grounded Confidence

Part of caring for yourself (and your child) in this season is developing responses that reflect steadiness rather than pressure.

Here are a few ways to answer that honor both the reality and the process:

Simple and Neutral

• “They’re taking some time to figure out what’s next.”

• “They’re exploring a few different directions right now.”

• “We’re not rushing the decision—we want it to be the right fit.”

Values-Based and Affirming

• “They’re being really thoughtful about their next step, and I respect that.”

• “We’ve been prioritizing their well-being and long-term success.”

• “They’re in a season of growth and exploration—it’s been good for them.”

Gentle Boundary-Setting

• “It’s still unfolding, and we’re letting them lead that process.”

• “We feel good about where they are, even if it doesn’t look traditional.”

The goal isn’t to impress.

The goal is to communicate:

There is no urgency here. This is development, not delay.

Releasing the Comparison Trap

It’s hard not to notice what other families are sharing—acceptances, plans, clear trajectories.

But comparison removes context.

It doesn’t consider:

• Your child’s personality

• Their mental health

• Their pace of development

• What they’ve navigated internally that others may not see

There is no universal timeline for adulthood.

Some paths are linear.
Some are winding.
Both can lead to meaningful, deeply fulfilling lives.

Caring for Yourself in the Uncertainty

Parents often stay focused on their child’s needs—but your emotional experience matters here, too.

You may be holding:

• Hope and fear at the same time

• Confidence in your child, alongside moments of doubt

• Pride, mixed with grief and uncertainty

This doesn’t mean something is wrong.

It means you are invested.

Some gentle anchors in this season:

• Come back to who your child is, not just what they’ve decided

• Prioritize connection over control

• Remind yourself that growth often looks messy before it looks clear

• Reach for your own support when the uncertainty feels heavy

A Different Definition of Success

What if success at graduation wasn’t defined by a perfect plan…

…but by a young adult who is:

• Still connected to themselves

• Still connected to people who are safe

• Willing to keep growing, even without certainty

And what if successful parenting, in this moment, looked like:

• Staying steady in uncertainty

• Resisting the urge to over-direct

• Trusting your child’s unfolding process

Closing Reflection

If your child’s path feels unclear…
If the questions from others feel heavier than expected…
If you find yourself trying to fill in the blanks to ease your own discomfort…

Pause.

There is courage in allowing a life to unfold.

There is wisdom in not rushing what isn’t ready.

And there is deep love in standing beside your child—not as the one who has all the answers—but as the one who trusts they will find their way.

Your Dog Is Not Your Therapist… But They Are Helping

For many people, a dog is more than a pet—they are a steady presence, a source of comfort, and a relationship that supports mental and emotional well‑being. While dogs are not a substitute for therapy or medication, research consistently shows that meaningful relationships with dogs can positively support mental health in ways that are both psychological and physiological.

As a therapist, I often see how the human–dog bond provides grounding, routine, and connection—especially for people navigating anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, burnout, or loneliness.

Below is what the science actually tells us—without romanticizing pet ownership or overselling its benefits.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

— Ben Williams

Dogs and Emotional Regulation

One of the most well‑documented benefits of interacting with dogs is improved emotional regulation. Spending time with a dog—petting, talking, or playing—has been shown to increase oxytocin (a hormone associated with bonding and calm) while decreasing cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone.

These physiological shifts are associated with:

• Reduced anxiety

• Improved mood

• Lower physiological stress responses

Importantly, these benefits don’t require a dog to perform tasks or “fix” anything. The calm often comes simply from safe, non‑judgmental presence.

A Therapy Room Example: How Hattie Brings Her Personality Into Healing

At our practice, we’re lucky to have Hattie—a therapy dog whose presence quietly embodies many of the mental health benefits research describes.

Hattie doesn’t perform tricks or follow a script in session. She brings her personality. And somehow, that’s exactly what people need.

She often enters the therapy room slowly, taking a moment to sniff the air as if she’s checking in with the emotional tone before deciding where to land. Sometimes she settles at a client’s feet with a dramatic sigh that gently invites everyone to exhale. Other times, when the room feels heavy or words are hard to find, she scoots closer and rests her head on a knee—grounding without interruption, offering connection without demand.

Hattie seems to sense when intensity is rising. When clients are anxious or unsure, she’ll stretch out across the floor, roll onto her back, or glance up with an expression that often leads to laughter—an organic break in tension that helps nervous systems reset. She reminds us that regulation doesn’t only happen through insight; it also happens through presence, warmth, and play.

What Hattie does best is stay. She doesn’t rush emotions or try to make them smaller. She offers steady companionship that allows people to soften, which often makes it easier to access vulnerability, self‑compassion, and reflection. In those moments, it becomes clear why research shows that dogs can support emotional regulation, reduce stress responses, and increase feelings of safety and connection.

Hattie doesn’t replace therapy—but she reinforces something essential: healing happens in relationships where we feel safe enough to be fully ourselves. Sometimes that relationship includes a dog who knows exactly when to lean in—and when to simply lie nearby and be still.

Anxiety, Depression, and Stress Buffering

Research during high‑stress periods—such as the COVID‑19 pandemic—found that dog owners reported lower depression scores and greater perceived social support compared to people who wanted dogs but did not yet own one.

Dogs appear to help buffer stress through several mechanisms:

• Providing consistent companionship

• Offering physical touch and grounding

• Interrupting rumination through engagement and routine

That said, large‑scale reviews show that dog ownership does not automatically reduce depression for everyone. Instead, benefits appear strongest when the relationship quality with the dog is high and perceived as supportive rather than burdensome.

Structure, Purpose, and Daily Rhythm

For individuals struggling with depression, ADHD, or burnout, dogs often provide gentle external structure—a reason to wake up, move the body, and engage with the day.

Daily tasks such as feeding, walking, or training a dog can:

• Increase physical activity

• Reinforce daily routines

• Restore a sense of purpose and responsibility

Research links dog ownership with increased movement and improved mood—both of which are protective for mental health.

Loneliness and Social Connection

Dogs can also act as social bridges. Dog owners often experience increased social interaction—whether through walking neighborhoods, visiting parks, or casual conversations with other dog owners.

Studies consistently associate dog companionship with reduced loneliness and improved perceived social support, particularly for individuals who live alone or are socially isolated.

Trauma, Safety, and Attachment

For some individuals—especially those with trauma histories—dogs offer a felt sense of safety that can be difficult to access in human relationships alone.

Research suggests that strong emotional bonds with dogs may correlate with lower anxiety and depression, particularly among individuals with adverse childhood experiences.

However, it’s also important to acknowledge complexity:

• Strong attachment can increase anticipatory grief

• Care demands can increase stress if resources are limited

• Dogs do not replace human relational repair or trauma therapy

Healthy benefit comes from mutual regulation, not emotional over‑reliance.

Emotional Support and Therapy Contexts

Animal‑assisted interventions—including therapy dogs—have demonstrated positive effects on mood, anxiety, and stress reduction in clinical and educational settings.

Emotional support animals (ESAs) are not service animals, but research suggests they can assist with:

• Emotional grounding

• Mood stabilization

• Decreased isolation

When integrated ethically and appropriately, animals can complement—not replace—evidence‑based mental health care.

A Balanced Clinical Perspective

Dogs can be powerful mental health companions—but they are not a universal solution. The benefits depend on:

• Individual capacity and resources

• Temperament and needs of the dog

• Support systems in place

• Relationship quality between human and animal

When the connection is mutual, supported, and sustainable, dogs can offer something deeply therapeutic: consistent presence without expectation—a quiet regulator in an overstimulated world.

References

• American Psychological Association. (2024). Pets can help reduce anxiety. [apa.org]

• Martin, F., et al. (2021). Depression, anxiety, and happiness in dog owners. PLOS ONE. [journals.plos.org]

• Moshfeghinia, R., et al. (2025). Pet ownership and risk of depression: A meta‑analysis. Annals of General Psychiatry. [pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov]

• Merkouri, A. M., et al. (2022). Dogs and the good life. Frontiers in Psychology. [frontiersin.org]

• Powell, A. (2024). Loving your pup may be a many‑splendored thing. Harvard Gazette. [news.harvard.edu]

• Peel, N., et al. (2023). Impact of therapy dogs on student mood. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. [pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov]

• University of Utah Health. (2025). How therapy dogs support mental health. [healthcare.utah.edu]

• PositivePsychology.com. (2024). How emotional support animals promote mental health. [positiveps...hology.com]

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Toxic Relationships

Why Some People Are More Vulnerable to Being Used—and How Healing Begins

At Summit Family Therapy, many of our clients describe a familiar and painful pattern: “I care deeply, I try so hard, and I still end up feeling small, blamed, or disposable in relationships.”

Often, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is part of that story.

Not because something is wrong with you—but because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you from loss of connection.

When RSD intersects with unhealthy or toxic relationship dynamics, people may stay far longer than they want to in situations that quietly erode their safety, self‑trust, and sense of worth.

What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)?

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria refers to an intense emotional and physiological response to perceived or actual rejection, criticism, or disapproval. For many people with ADHD—and some autistic adults as well—this response is rapid, overwhelming, and deeply painful.

RSD is not a formal DSM diagnosis, but it is widely recognized by clinicians as a manifestation of emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. People who experience RSD often report:

• Sudden waves of shame, panic, or emotional pain

• A strong urge to withdraw, disappear, or “fix” the situation immediately

• Over‑apologizing or people‑pleasing to restore connection

• Rumination that lingers long after the interaction ends

These reactions are neurological, not intentional. The nervous system reacts before the thinking brain has time to slow things down or evaluate context.

Why RSD Can Increase Vulnerability in Relationships

RSD does not cause toxic relationships—but it can make toxic dynamics harder to identify, tolerate safely, or leave.

Disconnection Feels Like Threat

When your nervous system experiences disconnection as danger, even subtle cues—like a delayed response or a change in tone—can activate intense distress. The emotional priority becomes repairing the connection, often before assessing whether the relationship itself is safe or reciprocal.

Self‑Blame Becomes Automatic

Many people with ADHD grew up being corrected, misunderstood, or told they were “too much” or “not enough.” Over time, this can create an internal reflex of “I must be the problem.” In unhealthy relationships, this self‑doubt is easily reinforced.

People‑Pleasing Becomes a Survival Strategy

Appeasing others, minimizing needs, or over‑functioning often develops as a way to stay connected. In toxic dynamics, these strategies can unintentionally teach others that your boundaries are flexible—while theirs are not.

Hot‑Cold Relationship Cycles Are Especially Binding

Toxic relationships often swing between closeness and withdrawal. For someone with RSD, moments of warmth feel regulating and grounding, while withdrawal feels unbearable. This can create trauma‑bonded patterns that make leaving feel emotionally or physically impossible.

How This Shows Up Across Relationship Types

RSD‑related vulnerability does not look the same in every relationship. Its impact often depends on whether the environment supports emotional safety—or quietly undermines it.

Family Relationships

In families, these patterns may include:

• Emotional inconsistency dismissed as “that’s just how we are”

• Chronic criticism masked as concern or helpfulness

• Conditional approval tied to compliance, achievement, or emotional silence

Over time, this can teach someone to suppress their needs in order to maintain belonging.

Friendships

In friendships, RSD often shows up as:

• One‑sided emotional labor

• Chronic boundary violations that go unaddressed

• Fear of naming hurt due to abandonment anxiety or fear of being “too sensitive”

Many people feel deeply connected in these friendships—but chronically unseen.

Romantic Relationships

In romantic relationships, the stakes are even higher. RSD vulnerability can be exploited through:

• Partners using ADHD or sensitivity as leverage during conflict

• Pathologizing normal emotional needs as “overreacting”

• Power imbalances that grow as self‑trust shrinks

When your internal signals are repeatedly questioned or dismissed, it becomes harder to trust yourself—and easier for unhealthy dynamics to take root.

Importantly, not all difficult relationships are toxic, and not all conflict equals abuse. Toxicity is defined by patterns, not isolated moments—especially patterns that consistently undermine safety, agency, and self‑worth.

A Critical Reframe

RSD is not the problem.

The real danger lies in environments where emotional pain is dismissed, self‑doubt is reinforced, and accountability flows in only one direction.

People with RSD often bring extraordinary empathy, loyalty, creativity, and relational attunement into their relationships. In safe relationships, those traits are strengths.
In unsafe relationships, they are exploited.

Healing Starts with Emotional Safety

At Summit Family Therapy, we help clients:

• Differentiate emotional sensitivity from emotional harm

• Rebuild trust in their perceptions and internal signals

• Learn nervous‑system‑informed boundary setting

• Heal long‑standing patterns of self‑abandonment without shame

If this article resonates with you, it may be a sign that your nervous system isn’t asking you to become less sensitive—it’s asking for safer connection.

Ready for Support?

You don’t have to untangle this alone. Working with a therapist who understands ADHD, RSD, and relational trauma can be a powerful step toward healthier, more secure relationships.

References & Further Reading

• Dodson, W. W., et al. (2024). Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in ADHD: A Case Series. Acta Scientific Neurology.

• Kahn, G. (2026). Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: The Actual Research. Psychology Today.

• Rowney‑Smith, A., et al. (2026). The lived experience of rejection sensitivity in ADHD. PLOS ONE.

• Guy‑Evans, O. (2025). ADHD and Toxic Relationships. Simply Psychology.

• Sarkis, S. (2025). Why Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD. ADDitude Magazine.

Mother’s Day: Holding the Joy and the Ache

Mother’s Day is often wrapped in images of brunches, flowers, smiling families, and gratitude. For some, this day genuinely feels warm and celebratory. But for many others, Mother’s Day carries a quieter, more complicated emotional reality.

Grief.
Longing.
Ambivalence.
Tenderness.

As a therapist—and as a human—I want to say this clearly:

It makes sense if Mother’s Day brings mixed feelings.

For me, it does.

I lost my mother to an aggressive breast cancer in 2016. She was taken too quickly, and even years later, Mother’s Day can still catch me off guard. I miss her voice. I miss being able to call her. I miss watching her be a grandmother to my children in the way she deserved to be.

And at the same time, I am deeply grateful to be a mother.

Both are true.

That coexistence—gratitude and grief sharing the same space—is something our culture rarely makes room for. We tend to frame Mother’s Day as something you’re either celebrating or surviving, but for many of us, it’s both.

When Mother’s Day Is Complicated

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult if you are:

• Grieving the loss of your mother

• Navigating a painful, distant, or unsafe relationship with your mother

• Longing to be a parent while facing infertility

• Grieving miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss

• Living with the unimaginable pain of losing a child

• Parenting while carrying grief, exhaustion, burnout, or ambivalence you don’t feel allowed to name

For many, this grief is invisible. It doesn’t come with recognition or rituals. It exists quietly alongside functioning, caretaking, and managing everyday life. This kind of grief can feel isolating—not because it isn’t real, but because it isn’t always acknowledged.

Honoring What Was, While Living What Is

Over time, I’ve learned that honoring my mother doesn’t mean trying to recreate what was lost—or pretending the loss didn’t happen. Instead, I try to carry the best parts of her forward with my kids.

Her warmth.
Her humor.
Her deep care for people.

In that way, the relationship didn’t end—it changed. Love didn’t disappear. It found a new place to live.

Grief doesn’t mean we stop living. And living fully doesn’t mean we stop grieving.

Grief Is Not a Failure of Gratitude

Feeling grief on Mother’s Day does not mean:

• You are ungrateful

• You don’t love your children

• You loved your mother “too much”

• You’re stuck or doing healing wrong

Grief simply means something mattered deeply.

Love and loss are not opposites. In many ways, grief is love continuing after loss.

Gentle Self‑Care for Mother’s Day

If this day feels heavy, here are a few trauma‑informed ways to care for yourself:

✔ Let mixed emotions exist.
Joy, sadness, gratitude, anger, numbness—they can all coexist. You don’t have to choose one.

✔ Set boundaries without explanation.
You are allowed to opt out of plans, conversations, posts, or traditions that feel harmful.

✔ Redefine the day.
Mother’s Day does not have to look traditional or performative. You get to decide what feels supportive.

✔ Limit social media if needed.
Scrolling can amplify comparison and grief. Protect your nervous system.

✔ Practice self‑compassion.
Talk to yourself the way you would to a dear friend carrying loss.

✔ Stay connected to safe people.
Grief was never meant to be carried alone—even quiet companionship counts.

Preparing for Loss Dates and Traumaversaries

One thing I often remind both my clients—and myself—is that hard dates are easier when we prepare for them.

Loss anniversaries, diagnosis dates, death anniversaries, Mother’s Day, birthdays, and holidays can function as traumaversaries—times when the body and nervous system remember, even if we think we’re “fine.” Sometimes the emotional wave arrives days or weeks before the date itself.

Preparation isn’t about bracing for impact. It’s about meeting yourself with intention instead of surprise.

If you’re approaching a difficult date, consider:

• Naming it ahead of time
  “This is a tender season for me.” Simply acknowledging this can reduce shame and confusion when emotions surface.

• Lowering expectations on purpose
  Energy, productivity, and emotional bandwidth may dip. That’s not failure—it’s grief being honest.

• Planning extra support
  Schedule therapy, ask a trusted person to check in, or choose not to be alone if isolation worsens pain.

• Creating a grounding ritual
  Light a candle, write a letter, take a grounding walk, listen to familiar music. Rituals help contain grief rather than letting it overwhelm.

• Caring for the body, not just the mind
  Trauma often shows up physically. Rest, hydration, gentle movement, and predictability matter more than insight on these days.

And just as important—notice when the date passes. Many people experience an emotional drop afterward, when the nervous system finally exhales. That, too, is normal.

Grief doesn’t follow the calendar neatly. Preparing doesn’t make it painless—but it can make it feel less disorienting and less lonely.

A Closing Reflection

Mother’s Day can hold gratitude and grief.
Love and loss.
Presence and longing.

If today is joyful for you, I hope it’s deeply nourishing.
If today is painful, I hope you feel less alone.
And if today is both, I hope you know—you’re not broken.

I carry my mother with me every day.
And I honor her by loving my children the way she loved me.

Both can be true.

Looksmaxxing: When “Self‑Improvement” Turns Into a Mental Health Risk

If you parent a teen or young adult, you’ve probably seen countless social media trends come and go. But there’s one gaining attention right now—not because it’s harmless or funny, but because of the very real mental health risks it carries.

It’s called looksmaxxing.

The growing concern around this trend is significant enough that it’s now the focus of a new Hulu documentary, IMPACT x Nightline: Looksmaxxed, which explores how some young men and teens are being pulled into increasingly extreme and psychologically harmful appearance-based pursuits. The fact that this phenomenon has reached mainstream investigative journalism speaks volumes.

As a therapist—and as a parent—I’m increasingly concerned about how looksmaxxing is impacting teens and young adults during an already vulnerable stage of development.

What Is Looksmaxxing?

Looksmaxxing is a term that originated in online forums and has spread rapidly across platforms like TikTok, YouTube, Reddit, and Discord. It’s based on the belief that a person should maximize their physical appearance to meet rigid, often pseudoscientific beauty standards in order to gain confidence, social success, or romantic validation.

Looksmaxxing is often divided into two categories:

• “Softmaxxing” – grooming, skincare routines, fitness, clothing or style changes

• “Hardmaxxing” – extreme dieting, unregulated supplements or hormones, cosmetic procedures, and dangerous DIY practices promoted online

On the surface, some of this can resemble normal self-care. Wanting to feel confident in your body is human and developmentally appropriate.

The danger lies in the underlying message:

“My worth, success, and value as a person depend on how I look.”

Why Looksmaxxing Is Dangerous for Mental Health

1. It Turns Self‑Worth Into a Measurement System

Looksmaxxing communities often reduce human value to facial symmetry, body ratios, attractiveness rankings, or “scores.” In IMPACT x Nightline: Looksmaxxed, this belief system is shown repeatedly—young people being told their future happiness is determined by how closely they match an ideal.

From a mental health perspective, this creates an internal narrative that says:

• “If you don’t measure up, something is wrong with you.”

• “You must fix yourself to be worthy.”

For teens and young adults—especially those already struggling with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or identity development—this messaging can be deeply damaging.

2. It Fuels Body Dysmorphia and Obsessive Comparison

Looksmaxxing thrives on comparison culture. Social media algorithms reward extreme content and push idealized, filtered, and often unattainable images.

Clinically, we see this contributing to:

• Body dysmorphic symptoms

• Anxiety and panic related to appearance

• Depression linked to chronic dissatisfaction

• Disordered eating and compulsive exercise

As the documentary highlights, there is often no endpoint—only an escalating sense of “not enough.”

3. It Normalizes Risky and Harmful Behavior

One of the most troubling aspects explored in Looksmaxxed is how extreme behaviors become normalized in certain online spaces. When harmful practices are framed as “discipline,” “optimization,” or “masculinity,” young people may ignore warning signs and delay asking for help.

From a trauma‑informed lens, many of these behaviors function as attempts to regulate shame, rejection, or feelings of powerlessness—but at a significant psychological cost.

4. It Exploits Developmental Vulnerability

Adolescence and young adulthood are critical periods for identity formation. When appearance becomes the primary measure of worth, young people lose space to develop:

• Self‑compassion

• Emotional flexibility

• A secure sense of identity

• Healthy, reciprocal relationships

What Looksmaxxed makes clear—and what we see clinically—is that what starts as “self‑improvement” can quickly become self‑criticism and self‑harm in disguise.

What Parents and Caregivers Can Do

You don’t need to ban social media or panic to make a meaningful difference.

1. Stay Curious, Not Confrontational

Try asking:

• “Have you seen people talking about looksmaxxing online?”

• “How does that kind of content make you feel about yourself?”

Curiosity builds connection. Judgment shuts it down.

2. Normalize Insecurity Without Supporting Harm

You might say:

“It’s normal to care about how you look—and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel confident. But your worth isn’t something that needs to be fixed or optimized.”

This helps separate normal developmental insecurity from dangerous belief systems.

3. Watch for Red Flags

Be mindful of:

• Obsessive mirror checking

• Rigid food or workout rules

• Mood changes tied closely to appearance

• Increased shame, secrecy, or social withdrawal

These are signs to lean in—not pull away.

4. Model Healthy Body Talk

How we speak about our own bodies, aging, weight, or appearance matters more than we realize. Teens absorb tone even when they pretend not to listen.

5. Seek Professional Support When Needed

If appearance concerns begin interfering with mood, school, relationships, or daily functioning, therapy can help address the root distress, not just the behavior.

At Summit Family Therapy, we provide compassionate, developmentally appropriate support for teens, young adults, and families navigating body image, anxiety, and social media pressure.

A Final Word

Wanting to feel good in your skin is human.
Believing you must transform yourself to deserve love or belonging is not.

The mainstream attention brought by IMPACT x Nightline: Looksmaxxed confirms what mental health professionals have been seeing for years: looksmaxxing is not just a trend—it’s a warning sign.

If your teen or young adult is feeling caught in appearance‑based pressure, help is available, and healing is possible.

Self‑worth is not something to maximize.
It’s something to protect.

References

ABC News Studios. (2026). IMPACT x Nightline: Looksmaxxed. Hulu.
Investigative documentary examining the rise of looksmaxxing, its cultural roots, and psychological risks for young men, including expert commentary and firsthand accounts.

Halpin, M., Gosse, M., Yeo, K., Handlovsky, I., & Maguire, F. (2025). When help is harm: Lookism, self‑improvement, and the mental health impact of looksmaxxing communities. Sociology of Health & Illness.
Peer‑reviewed qualitative study analyzing thousands of online looksmaxxing posts, documenting body shame, self‑harm encouragement, and mental health deterioration in participants.

Healthline Editorial Team. (2026). Looksmaxxing: The toxic trend pushing men to “maximize” their looks. Healthline.
Overview article outlining how looksmaxxing contributes to anxiety, body dysmorphia, and disordered eating, particularly among teens and young adults.

Medical News Today. (2024). Looksmaxxing: Definition, potential risks, and mental health concerns.
Medical overview describing links between appearance‑focused online trends, body dissatisfaction, and increased risk for psychological distress.

Patient.info. (2026). What is looksmaxxing—and why should we be worried?
Clinician‑reviewed article discussing how looksmaxxing shifts self‑worth from internal identity to external metrics, increasing vulnerability during adolescence.

When Perfectionism Looks Like Strength—but Quietly Leads to Burnout

Perfectionism, Leadership, and Learning to Let Yourself Be Human

Perfectionism often looks admirable—especially in leadership.

It can look like being dependable, driven, detail‑oriented, and deeply committed to doing things “the right way.” Many of the clients we work with at Summit Family Therapy in Peoria, Illinois are high‑achieving professionals, caregivers, leaders, and helpers who pride themselves on responsibility and excellence.

And yet, many of them are also exhausted.

What often sits beneath that exhaustion isn’t a lack of motivation—it’s perfectionism. And while our culture frequently rewards perfectionism, both mental health research and Brené Brown’s work tell a different story: perfectionism is not the same as healthy striving—and over time, it can cost us our peace, our relationships, and our health.

What Perfectionism Really Is (and Isn’t)

Perfectionism is not about doing your best.

As researcher Brené Brown explains in The Gifts of Imperfection, perfectionism is a strategy for avoiding shame and judgment. It’s the belief that if I can be flawless, productive, or impressive enough, I can avoid criticism, rejection, or being seen as “not enough.”

In therapy, we often see perfectionism develop early—especially for people who learned that achievement, caretaking, or self‑sufficiency helped them feel safe or valued. What once worked as protection may now be driving anxiety, burnout, and chronic self‑pressure.

How Perfectionism Impacts Mental Health

At Summit Family Therapy, perfectionism commonly shows up alongside:

• Anxiety and overthinking

• Burnout and emotional exhaustion

• Difficulty resting or slowing down

• Harsh inner self‑criticism

• Fear of making mistakes or disappointing others

• Tying self‑worth to productivity or success

Perfectionism can keep people constantly “on,” even when they’re depleted. And because it often gets praised as dedication or competence, many people don’t realize it’s contributing to their stress until their body or mind forces them to stop.

Brené Brown reminds us that perfectionism isn’t self‑improvement—it’s shame‑based self‑protection. And shame is not a sustainable motivator.

Why Perfectionism Hits Leaders Especially Hard

Perfectionism is especially common—and especially costly—for leaders.

We see this often with:

• Business owners and executives

• Managers and supervisors

• Healthcare professionals and therapists

• Parents carrying invisible leadership roles at home

Leadership perfectionism often sounds like:

• “Everyone is counting on me.”

• “I can’t mess this up.”

• “If I don’t stay on top of everything, something will fall apart.”

Over time, perfectionism in leadership can lead to:

• Over‑functioning and micromanaging

• Difficulty delegating or trusting others

• Fear‑based decision‑making

• Compassion fatigue

• Burnout and resentment

Brené Brown describes perfectionism as armor—a way leaders try to stay in control and avoid vulnerability. While armor can feel protective, it also blocks connection, collaboration, creativity, and trust.

Healthy leadership—at work or at home—doesn’t require perfection. It requires clarity, values, and courage.

Perfectionism Isn’t the Same as Excellence

One of the biggest fears people have in therapy is:

“If I let go of perfectionism, I’ll stop caring—or my work will suffer.”

In reality, the opposite is usually true.

Letting go of perfectionism does not mean lowering your standards. It means:

• Separating worth from performance

• Allowing room for learning instead of constant self‑punishment

• Choosing values over image

• Leading from trust instead of fear

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown calls this wholehearted living—showing up authentically, believing you are enough, and staying connected even when things are messy.

This kind of leadership creates safer workplaces, healthier families, and more resilient people.

Gentle Ways to Begin Letting Go

Here are a few small shifts we often explore with clients in therapy:

🌱 Practice “good enough”

Not every task needs excellence. Ask yourself: Does this require perfection—or progress?

🌱 Notice self‑talk after mistakes

Do you become harsh or shaming with yourself? Try replacing “I failed” with “I’m learning.”

🌱 Normalize imperfection in leadership

When leaders and parents name mistakes and repair openly, it builds trust and psychological safety.

🌱 Reconnect with your values

Perfectionism focuses on outcomes. Values ground us in what matters—integrity, kindness, connection, and presence.

Therapy for Perfectionism, Burnout, and Leadership Stress

At Summit Family Therapy, we support clients struggling with:

• Perfectionism and anxiety

• Burnout and work stress

• Leadership pressure

• High‑functioning depression

• Shame and self‑criticism

Therapy isn’t about convincing you to care less—it’s about helping you care without destroying yourself in the process. Together, we explore where perfectionism came from, what it has protected, and how to build a healthier relationship with yourself moving forward.

You don’t have to earn your worth here. You’re allowed to be human.

Recommended Books

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
A foundational book on shame, self‑worth, and perfectionism. Brené Brown explores how perfectionism functions as armor and introduces the concept of wholehearted living—choosing authenticity, compassion, and connection over fear and performance pressure.

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead.
Focused on leadership, this book expands Brown’s research into workplaces and organizations. It addresses how perfectionism, fear, and disengagement limit leadership effectiveness—and how courage, vulnerability, and values‑based leadership build trust and resilience.

Schafler, K. M. (2023). The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control.
A therapist‑written, compassionate exploration of different “types” of perfectionism and how to loosen its hold without losing ambition.

Research‑Informed Articles

American Counseling Association – “Perfectionism and Its Effects on Mental Health.”
An overview of how perfectionism contributes to anxiety, depression, burnout, and chronic dissatisfaction, written for both clinicians and the public.

Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Perfectionism and Burnout Meta‑Analysis.
Research showing that fear‑based perfectionism (not high standards themselves) is strongly linked to burnout. A key distinction for leaders and high achievers.

Liu et al. (2025). Leader Perfectionism and Team Dynamics.
Research demonstrating how leader perfectionism can increase anxiety, reduce psychological safety, and impact ethical decision‑making within teams.

Self-Compassion: Learning to Be on Your Own Side

Many of us move through life with an internal rulebook that says: Do better. Be better. Don’t mess up. When we fall short—as all humans do—that inner voice can quickly turn harsh, critical, and shaming.

Self‑compassion invites a different way of relating to ourselves. It does not lower standards or excuse harmful behavior. Instead, it offers a supportive, grounded, and evidence‑based path for responding to our own suffering with the same care we would offer someone we love.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self‑compassion is most clearly defined by psychologist and researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, whose work has shaped decades of research in this area. She defines self‑compassion as “being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain—whether caused by personal mistakes, inadequacies, or external life challenges.”

According to Neff’s research, self‑compassion has three core components:

1. Self‑kindness – Responding to yourself with warmth and understanding rather than harsh self‑judgment

2. Common humanity – Recognizing that struggle, imperfection, and pain are part of being human, not signs of personal failure

3. Mindfulness – Holding painful thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness, without suppressing or becoming overwhelmed by them

Together, these components create a way of relating to ourselves that is honest, steady, and deeply humane.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

Research consistently shows that self‑compassion is strongly associated with better mental health and emotional resilience. Higher levels of self‑compassion are linked with lower anxiety, depression, stress, shame, rumination, and perfectionism, and with greater life satisfaction, emotional regulation, and resilience.

Importantly, self‑compassion is not the same as self‑pity or weakness. In fact, studies demonstrate that it supports motivation and personal responsibility without the emotional cost of chronic self‑criticism.

From a physiological standpoint, self‑compassion activates the body’s soothing and caregiving system, increasing parasympathetic nervous system activity and reducing stress hormones such as cortisol. In contrast, harsh self‑criticism keeps the nervous system stuck in threat mode.

For caregivers, leaders, and mental health professionals, self‑compassion also plays a protective role—helping reduce burnout, compassion fatigue, and secondary trauma, while supporting emotional sustainability and effectiveness in our work.

Self-Compassion Is a Skill—Not a Personality Trait

One of the most hopeful findings in the research is this: self‑compassion can be learned. Structured interventions such as Mindful Self‑Compassion (MSC) show significant and lasting improvements in self‑compassion, anxiety, depression, and emotional flexibility, with benefits sustained over time.

This means you do not need to “naturally” be gentle with yourself to practice self‑compassion. Like any skill, it grows with intention, repetition, and patience.

Active Practices to Foster Self-Compassion

Below are evidence‑informed, accessible practices that can be woven into everyday life.

1. The Self-Compassion Break

A brief practice developed by Neff and Germer that can be used in moments of distress.

• Acknowledge the difficulty: “This is really hard right now.”

• Name common humanity: “I’m not alone—struggle is part of being human.”

• Offer kindness: “May I be gentle with myself in this moment.”

This practice helps interrupt self‑critical spirals and re‑orients the nervous system toward safety.

2. Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Love

Research shows that reframing self‑talk with kindness can reduce rumination and emotional distress.

When you notice self‑criticism, ask:

• What would I say to a close friend in this situation?

• Then, gently offer those same words to yourself.

3. Soothing Touch

Simple physical gestures—placing a hand over your heart, holding your arms, or gentle pressure—can increase feelings of safety and calm by activating the body’s caregiving system.

This can be especially regulating during moments of emotional overwhelm.

4. Mindfulness Without Judgment

Mindfulness within self‑compassion does not require fixing or reframing emotions. It simply means noticing them with curiosity rather than criticism.

Try naming your experience:

• “I notice tightness in my chest.”

• “I notice sadness showing up.”

Awareness itself often softens intensity.

5. Normalize Struggle

Gently remind yourself:

• “This is part of being human.”

• “Others struggle too—even if I can’t see it.”

Research shows that reducing isolation through common humanity is a powerful protective factor for mental health.

A Gentle Closing Thought

Self‑compassion is not about lowering expectations or ignoring accountability. It is about creating an inner environment where growth, healing, and resilience are actually possible.

If self‑kindness feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, that does not mean you are doing it wrong. It often means you are practicing something new.

You deserve care—not only from others, but from yourself.

References

• Neff, K. D. (2023). Self‑Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology. [pubmed.ncb...lm.nih.gov]

• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self‑compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. [rochester.edu]

• Anthes, L. S., & Dreisoerner, A. (2026). Self‑Compassion and Mental Health: A Systematic Review. Mindfulness. [link.springer.com]

• Crego, A., et al. (2022). Benefits of Self‑Compassion in Mental Health Professionals. Psychology Research & Behavior Management. [pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov]

• Harvard Health Publishing. (2026). The Power of Self‑Compassion. [health.harvard.edu]

• Crego, A., et al. (2025). Long‑term effectiveness of the Mindful Self‑Compassion program. Frontiers in Psychology. [frontiersin.org]