Foreboding Joy: Why We Brace for the Worst When Life Is Going Well

When Joy Feels Unsafe

Have you ever found yourself in a beautiful moment—watching your child sleep, celebrating a professional milestone, enjoying a vacation with people you love—only to suddenly feel a wave of anxiety?

What if something bad happens?

What if this doesn't last?

What if I lose all of this?

According to researcher and author Brené Brown, this experience is remarkably common. She calls it foreboding joy—the tendency to respond to moments of deep happiness with thoughts of potential catastrophe. Rather than fully experiencing joy, we begin mentally preparing for loss.

For many people, foreboding joy feels protective. If we anticipate disappointment, perhaps it won't hurt as much when life inevitably changes. Yet Brown's research suggests that this habit ultimately robs us of the very experiences that make life meaningful.

What Is Foreboding Joy?

Brown describes foreboding joy as the moment when joy is interrupted by fear. It is the emotional shift from:

"This is wonderful" to "Something terrible is probably about to happen."

Examples might include:

• Looking at your healthy child and suddenly imagining a tragic accident.

• Falling in love and immediately worrying about abandonment.

• Experiencing success and fearing imminent failure.

• Feeling connected in a relationship and expecting rejection.

Rather than allowing ourselves to savor happiness, we "dress rehearse tragedy"—Brown's phrase for imagining worst-case scenarios before they occur.

Foreboding joy is not necessarily a diagnosable mental health condition. Instead, it is often a learned emotional strategy intended to reduce vulnerability. As Brown explains, the underlying message is:

"If I don't let myself feel too happy, I won't be devastated if something goes wrong."

Why Do We Do This?

Brown's broader body of research centers on shame, vulnerability, courage, and connection. She argues that joy may actually be one of the most vulnerable emotions humans experience.

When we experience deep joy, we are simultaneously reminded of how much we have to lose.

The deeper the love, the greater the vulnerability.

The greater the meaning, the greater the potential for grief.

For individuals who have experienced trauma, loss, disappointment, or chronic uncertainty, this vulnerability can feel especially threatening. Trauma survivors may become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger even during safe moments. As a result, joy can trigger fear rather than relaxation.

In many ways, foreboding joy is an attempt to gain control over an uncontrollable reality: the fact that nothing in life comes with guarantees.

When Foreboding Joy Shows Up at Home

As I write this, my son is preparing to start high school.

On one hand, I feel immense pride. I see a young man who has grown in confidence, maturity, and independence. I am excited to watch him discover new interests, build friendships, and continue becoming the person he is meant to be.

On the other hand, if I'm honest, there is a part of my brain that wants to skip straight to the worries.

Will he find his people? Will he make good choices? What if he gets hurt? What if he struggles socially? What if something happens while he's driving someday? What if he experiences disappointment, rejection, heartbreak, or failure?

As parents, we often assume these fears are evidence of how deeply we love our children. And to some extent, that's true. But Brené Brown's concept of foreboding joy invites us to consider another possibility: perhaps these fears are also a reflection of how vulnerable love makes us feel.

When my son talks about being excited for high school, I have a choice. I can allow myself to stay present in the joy of this milestone, or I can mentally fast-forward through every possible thing that could go wrong over the next four years.

The truth is that my worry doesn't protect him.

My anxiety doesn't make him safer.

My catastrophic thinking doesn't prepare me for every possible outcome.

What it does do is steal my ability to fully experience this season with him.

Brown often describes foreboding joy as "dress rehearsing tragedy." In other words, when something wonderful happens, we instinctively begin preparing for loss. We imagine that if we think about the worst-case scenario often enough, it won't hurt as much if it happens.

Yet most parents know from experience that worrying ahead of time doesn't actually reduce pain. It simply spreads the suffering out over a longer period.

I don't want to spend my son's first year of high school mourning things that haven't happened. I want to celebrate who he is today. I want to enjoy conversations at the dinner table, rides to school, football games, orchestra concerts, and the ordinary moments that make up family life.

That doesn't mean I stop worrying entirely. It means that when worry shows up, I recognize it for what it is: vulnerability wearing a disguise.

Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is allow ourselves to feel grateful for what we have right now, knowing that nothing in life comes with guarantees.

The Connection Between Scarcity and Joy

A central theme in Brown's work is the concept of scarcity—the belief that there is never enough.

Not enough time.

Not enough success.

Not enough security.

Not enough certainty.

Within this mindset, joyful experiences often feel fragile and temporary. Instead of enjoying them, we begin worrying about when they will disappear. Brown identifies "letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark" as essential to cultivating gratitude and joy.

Scarcity tells us:

"Don't get too comfortable."

"Don't celebrate yet."

"Don't trust this."

The result is that we become emotionally unavailable for our own lives.

Gratitude: The Antidote to Foreboding Joy

One of Brown's most significant research findings was that joyful people consistently practiced gratitude. She observed that individuals who described themselves as joyful did not become grateful because they were happy; rather, they became joyful because they intentionally practiced gratitude.

This finding was transformative because it challenged a common assumption:

Joy is not what creates gratitude. Gratitude is what cultivates joy.

When Brown found herself imagining catastrophic scenarios involving her children, she began using those moments as reminders to practice gratitude. Instead of following the fear, she redirected her attention toward appreciation for the present moment.

Gratitude does not guarantee that painful things will never happen.

Instead, gratitude helps us remain present to what is real right now.

Foreboding Joy and Clinical Practice

As therapists, we often encounter clients who struggle to tolerate positive emotions.

Some individuals can discuss pain, anxiety, or disappointment in great detail but become uncomfortable when exploring hope, love, success, or happiness.

This reaction makes sense when viewed through a trauma-informed lens.

Positive emotions can feel risky.

Connection can feel dangerous.

Joy can feel like setting ourselves up for heartbreak.

For many clients, healing involves learning that they can survive vulnerability without immediately preparing for catastrophe. Developing emotional flexibility means allowing both joy and uncertainty to coexist. We can acknowledge life's inherent unpredictability while still engaging fully in moments of beauty and connection.

Learning to Savor Joy

Brown emphasizes that courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to remain open despite fear.

When foreboding joy appears, it can be helpful to pause and ask:

• What am I afraid of losing?

• Is this fear happening now, or am I imagining a future event?

• Can I stay present in this moment?

• What am I grateful for right now?

The goal is not to eliminate vulnerability. Vulnerability is the price of love, connection, and meaning.

The goal is to stop sacrificing today's joy in an attempt to protect ourselves from tomorrow's pain.

Final Thoughts

Foreboding joy reflects a deeply human paradox: the things we treasure most often make us feel the most vulnerable.

We love deeply, and therefore we fear loss.

We celebrate success, and therefore we fear failure.

We experience joy, and therefore we become aware of life's uncertainty.

Brené Brown's work reminds us that the answer is not to love less, hope less, or celebrate less. The answer is to cultivate gratitude and allow ourselves to fully inhabit the present moment. While we cannot prevent future heartache, we can choose not to miss today's joy because we are busy rehearsing tomorrow's tragedy.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

Brown, B. (2022). Atlas of the Heart. Random House. (Referenced in secondary sources discussing foreboding joy.)

Brown, B. (2013). "Why Joy Feels So Terrifying—and How to Let It In." O, The Oprah Magazine.

Williamsburg Therapy Group. (2024). "What Is Foreboding Joy and How Can I Avoid It?"

Psych Central. (2022). "When Joy Feels Scary: Exploring Foreboding Joy."

Book Review: Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Before I get to the book review, I want to be completely honest with our readers about my own personal biases. I am a big Dr. Brene Brown fan and have been for years. I tried to go to her live event in Nashville, TN and was heartbroken to learn that the tickets were sold out so far in advance. I contacted Random House to see if I could talk my way in to no avail, but they did send me a prerelease copy and asked if I wanted to review Rising Strong on our blog. I absolutely said yes. I am going to give an overview and review of the book, and then share my experience of reading the book. Also, just to be clear, this is not a sponsored post.

Rising Strong

Dr. Brene Brown, research professor at the University of Houston and CEO of the Daring Way, adds to and builds on her previous work (I Thought It Was Just Me, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly) in her new book, Rising Strong. I highly recommend that you read the others as well, but this book is still significant on it’s own. Through her interviews with thousands of people, she developed Rising Strong. The goal of the Rising Strong process is, “to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that brings more wisdom and wholeheartedness” (2015, p. 40). This is described as a very messy three-step process:

The Reckoning: We need to identify and have an awareness of our emotions. Then we allow ourselves to be curious about our emotions and look for how they connect to our patterns of thought and behavior.

The Rumble: This is getting very honest about the stories we tell about others and ourselves. We have a tendency to fill in the information gaps in our narratives, which is likely not accurate. It is very important that we believe that people really are doing the best they can with their lives. We need to challenge our initial reactions and look for a deeper level of understanding.

The Revolution: Once we have rumbled with and owned our story, we then can rewrite the ending by growing and learning from what we have learned. Dr. Brown writes:

Men and women who rise strong integrate the key learnings that emerge from the rising strong process into how they live, love, lead, parent, and participate as citizens. This has tremendous ramifications not only on their own lives, but also for their families, organizations, and communities. (p. 41)

The process of applying your new insights will revolutionize your world.

Critical Review

Dr. Brown has a very connectable approach to her writing and weaves in a number of personal stories that make this process human. Her work is brilliant, unassuming, and yet still feels like it could be a great conversation with a best friend over coffee. This is not your typical academic research book filled with complex methodologies and two-way ANOVAs. Dr. Brene Brown has managed to take her complex grounded theory research and translate it into concepts that are useful for anyone with a soul.

On the other hand, if you are a super academic social scientist type person, she does not fully explain her entire methodology and provide all the explicit details of that process. However, this would not be appropriate to her audience. I do appreciate the fact that she lists all of her references in the back of the book. You can further your reading and double-check many of the statements she makes if you have concerns. I value that level of research transparency and how she has put her work out there for criticism. She also includes highlights from her other works at the end of the book.

My Own Experience

I noted several significant takeaways in the process of reading this book. Actually, there are too many to mention, so I will give some highlights.

It is very important to teach our children the truth of our stories and our family histories because it is their story. Nostalgia can be deadly.

The term chandeliering is one consequence of ignoring our own emotional pain. The term describes when a minor comment or conflict triggers a pain so great that we “jump as high as the chandelier” with our emotional response (p. 60).   Some examples are road rage or even losing it at a sporting event. Dr. Brown writes:

Chandeliering is especially common and dangerous in “power-over” situations-environments where, because of power differentials, people with a higher position or status are less likely to be held accountable for flipping out or overreacting…Most of us have been on the receiving end of one of these outbursts. Even if we have the insight to know that our boss, friend, colleague, or partner blew up at us because something tender was triggered and it’s not actually about us, it still shatters trust and respect. (p. 61-62)

I enjoyed all of the personal stories. I cherished from my family systems background the insight into Dr. Brown’s family of origin. What moved me most was the account of her mother having a life altering counseling experience that was then translated into her parenting. It is a reminder that we can all change our family trees and break negative intergenerational patterns.

On spirituality, I also had a few notes. Dr. Brown’s work suggests that no specific church denomination was more shaming than others. Over half of her participants who experienced spiritual shaming ended up finding healing through spirituality. They changed churches or beliefs, but their faith was still a significant part of who they are.

Some items I need to reflect on personally after reading this are having the courage to communicate what works for me (what I need) and renewing my faith that people are doing their best at all times.  As a lover of Narrative Therapy, I am all for reauthoring our own stories.

Dr. Brown, If You Are Reading This…

On the one in a million chance that Dr. Brown actually sees this someday, thank you for the impact that you have had on me professionally and personally. As a fellow introverted qualitative researcher (the best kind of course), your example gives me hope that I do not have to be the life of the party to have an impact on this world.

What you wrote about the negative view of qualitative research held by many academics struck a chord with me. I do not think that has completely changed from when you defended your dissertation, but I do feel it has gotten better. My dissertation was qualitative and fully embraced by my committee, with one member even stating he will only chair qualitative work. When we break massive amounts of information down into these tiny measurable things, I think we lose so much significant information. Thank you for blazing a trail by making qualitative research not only more accepted, but cool!

Personally, I discovered your work during the process of writing my dissertation. I actually quoted you several times in my study of therapists’ martial experiences and included my own marriage. Talk about a rumble experience! Looking at my own marriage and myself was the darkest and most difficult process I have ever been through. If I had not read Daring Greatly, I would not have had the courage to be vulnerable and include my own marriage in the study. Now, I cannot imagine my marriage had we not done that “day two” work.

I cannot say enough good things, so please go buy RISING STRONG today! Comment below if you love Dr. Brene Brown’s work. How has it impacted your life?

Reference

1. Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. NY: Penguin Random House.