When Attraction Hijacks Your Dopamine: People as Hyperfixations

Hyperfixation is a fairly common experience for those of us with ADHD, and it can also show up for people with autism—especially when ADHD and autism overlap. It usually starts innocently enough. We find something new and interesting, our brain releases dopamine, and suddenly that thing feels exciting, energizing, and alive.

We want more of it.

Hyperfixation can be genuinely joyful. It can spark creativity, produce a flow state, and give a sense of purpose or momentum. The challenge with ADHD is that the brain doesn’t always know when to stop. A little feels good, so more feels better, and eventually as much as possible feels necessary. That’s part of what makes ADHD brains more vulnerable to addiction and compulsive behaviors.

But what happens when the object of the hyperfixation isn’t a hobby, topic, or substance—but another human being?

That’s where things can get especially complicated.

When the Hyperfixation Is a Person

Hyperfixation on a person can be:

• Platonic

• Romantic

• Sexual

• Or some confusing combination of all three

The intensity alone can make it incredibly difficult to tell the difference—especially when the person is someone you could plausibly be attracted to romantically or sexually. How this plays out depends on the other person’s feelings, the boundaries involved, and the impact on your existing relationships.

There are a few common patterns I see.

Scenario One: Limerence and the Unknown

One of the most common scenarios today is limerence, where the other person’s feelings are unknown or not reciprocated. Modern life makes this easier than ever—we can develop intense attraction to people who don’t actually know us, whether that’s someone online, a public figure, or someone we only interact with superficially.

This kind of hyperfixation can quietly devastate mental health.

When feelings are uncertain or unreturned, the brain stays hooked on possibility. That uncertainty fuels obsessive thinking, emotional highs and lows, and intense rejection sensitive dysphoria—a crushing sense of rejection that can spiral into despair or depression.

As long as the outcome is unclear, the cycle can continue:

• Obsessive interest

• Emotional hope

• Perceived rejection

• Emotional collapse

• Repeat

If left unchecked, this can lead to unhealthy time and money investment in parasocial relationships—or, in extreme cases, boundary violations like stalking. When addressed early, though, people can grieve the fantasy, regulate the dopamine loop, and move toward healthier forms of connection.

Scenario Two: Mutual Attraction, Uneven Intensity

Another scenario occurs when attraction is mutual—but the hyperfixation is one‑sided.

This can look a lot like love‑bombing from the outside:

• Excessive gift‑giving

• Wanting to spend every possible moment together

• Intense distress when apart

• Over‑prioritizing the other person

The key difference from abusive love‑bombing is intent. There’s no manipulation or hidden agenda—just an unsustainable level of focus driven by dopamine. The person hyperfixating often neglects their own needs, routines, and relationships in the process.

If noticed early, this can settle into a healthy relationship. If not, it often ends with a painful emotional crash once the hyperfixation fades.

Scenario Three: Mutual Hyperfixation

Sometimes, both people hyperfixate on each other.

This can feel intoxicating. There’s often rapid bonding, deep conversations, oversharing, and a sense of “I’ve never connected like this before.” The connection feels deep—but it isn’t very wide. When the dopamine drops, the relationship can feel suddenly fragile or disorienting.

With intention, pacing, and boundaries, mutual hyperfixation can evolve into a deep friendship or romantic partnership. Without those things, it can burn bright and collapse just as fast.

When You’re Already in Another Relationship

Things get even more complicated when someone develops a hyperfixation while already in a romantic relationship or close friendship.

This is especially likely when the existing relationship isn’t meeting certain needs. A new person appears, the connection feels effortless, dopamine spikes, and suddenly unmet needs—or unresolved emotional wounds—start getting attention.

Energy and focus slowly shift. Other relationships begin to suffer. And while hyperfixation eventually fades, the damage left behind may not.

How to Tell If You’re Hyperfixating on a Person

You might be hyperfixating if:

• Your emotional state revolves around communication with one specific person

• You constantly worry about how they see you

• You neglect responsibilities or other relationships

• You’re overly attached to your phone waiting for messages

• You ignore your own needs because of the focus on them

Awareness is the first—and most important—step.

What Helps

Set boundaries with yourself. Decide how much time and emotional energy you want this relationship to have. Identify lines you don’t want to cross—topics, behaviors, or situations that blur boundaries.

Redirect energy intentionally. Re‑invest in hobbies, self‑care, and existing relationships. Dopamine needs somewhere to go.

Practice grounding and mindfulness. Watch for spirals of self‑criticism or obsession. Respond with curiosity and compassion rather than shame.

Regulate before reacting. Strong emotions don’t mean you need to act on them immediately.

And if the hyperfixation feels unmanageable or is causing real harm, reach out to a therapist. This is especially important if rejection sensitivity, depression, or anxiety are intensifying.

Final Thoughts

Hyperfixation isn’t a character flaw. It’s a brain doing what it does best—seeking stimulation, connection, and meaning. The goal isn’t to eliminate that capacity, but to work with it instead of letting it run the show.

Attraction doesn’t have to hijack your nervous system—but it does require awareness, boundaries, and self‑compassion.

Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Reconciliation (And Why That Matters)

One of the most common questions I hear in my work sounds like this:

I think I’ve forgiven them… but does that mean I have to let them back into my life?

That question usually comes with a tight chest, a long pause, and a lot of fear underneath it.

And the answer is still: no.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. I know that intellectually sounds simple, but emotionally it can be incredibly hard to separate the two. I see this confusion play out in therapy all the time.

Let me show you what I mean.

“I Forgave Him… So Why Do I Feel Unsafe?”

A woman once came into therapy convinced she was “doing forgiveness wrong.”

She said, “I’ve worked really hard to forgive my ex-husband. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore. But every time he texts me, my body panics. Doesn’t that mean I haven’t really forgiven him?”

No. It meant her nervous system was paying attention.

What she had done was forgiveness: letting go of the constant resentment that was eating her alive. What she was being asked—mostly by well‑meaning people around her—was reconciliation: reopening a relationship with someone who had repeatedly violated trust.

Those are two very different things.

Forgiveness helped her sleep again.
Reconciliation would have put her back in harm’s way.

Once she understood that she could forgive without reconnecting, the shame melted away. Forgiveness became freeing instead of confusing.

Forgiveness Is Internal Work

Forgiveness happens inside you. It’s about what you carry.

I often tell clients: forgiveness is about setting down the heavy backpack of resentment you’ve been carrying for years. Reconciliation is deciding whether you want to hike with that person again.

One client put it perfectly after weeks of work:

I don’t want revenge anymore. I don’t replay it every night. But I also don’t want him at my dinner table.

That’s forgiveness with boundaries. And it’s healthy.

A Story About Apologies (and the Lack of Them)

Another client desperately wanted to forgive a parent but felt stuck because the parent refused to acknowledge the harm.

They said, “How can I forgive if they won’t even admit what they did?”

This is where forgiveness gets misunderstood.

Forgiveness does not require an apology.

Reconciliation does.

When we shifted the focus away from waiting for the parent to change and toward the client’s own healing, something shifted. They stopped holding forgiveness hostage to someone else’s behavior.

They forgave—not to excuse the past, but to stop letting it control the present.

They did not reconcile. And that was the right choice.

Reconciliation Requires Evidence, Not Hope

Reconciliation is relational. It involves trust, accountability, and change over time.

I’ve seen people try to reconcile based on:

• Promises instead of patterns

• Guilt instead of growth

• Pressure instead of safety

One couple I worked with wanted to “move on” quickly after a betrayal. One partner pushed for reconciliation because they believed forgiveness meant immediate closeness.

The other partner wasn’t ready—and for good reason.

Slowing the process allowed space for:

• Real accountability

• Observable change

• Boundaries that were respected, not resented

Only then did reconciliation become possible.

Forgiveness opened the door to healing.

Reconciliation waited until trust had a reason to return.

One Person Can Forgive. Two People Must Reconcile.

This distinction changes everything.

You can forgive:

• A parent who never apologizes

• A friend who disappeared

• A partner who isn’t safe

• Someone you’ll never see again

You can forgive without reconnecting.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, should always be conditional. It should be based on reality, not wishful thinking.

I often say in sessions:

Forgiveness is about your heart. Reconciliation is about your safety.

Both matter. They just aren’t the same.

When Forgiveness Becomes Self‑Protection

Some of the most powerful moments I witness in therapy are when people realize they’re allowed to forgive and say no.

No to contact.
No to access.
No to pretending things are fine.

One client summed it up beautifully:

I forgive them. I don’t hate them. And I don’t want them in my life anymore.

That wasn’t bitterness.
That was clarity.

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness can bring peace.
Reconciliation can bring connection.

But peace should never require you to abandon yourself.

If you’ve been struggling with guilt because you forgave someone but chose not to let them back in—please know this:

You didn’t fail at forgiveness.
You practiced wisdom.

Want to Go Deeper? Resources on Forgiveness & Reconciliation

If this topic resonates with you and you’d like to explore it more deeply—whether for personal healing, therapy work, or teaching—these resources are a great place to start.

Everett L. Worthington Jr. is one of the most widely cited researchers on forgiveness and reconciliation. His work forms the backbone of much of what we know scientifically about forgiveness today.

• Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application (2006)
  Worthington’s most comprehensive book on the topic. It clearly explains the difference between forgiveness (an internal process) and reconciliation (a relational one), and outlines when each is appropriate. This is a key resource for therapists, pastors, and educators.

• The REACH Forgiveness Model
  Worthington’s evidence‑based model for working through forgiveness step by step: Recall, Empathize, Altruistic gift, Commit, Hold on. It has been tested in many clinical and community settings and is widely used in therapy and faith‑based contexts.

• The REACH Forgiveness Workbook (Free)
  A practical, user‑friendly workbook designed to help individuals work through forgiveness on their own or with guidance. Available in multiple languages and supported by extensive research.

Big News! Greta Long, MA, LPC is Joining Summit Family Therapy

We are excited to welcome Greta Long, MA, LPC to the Summit Family Therapy team. Greta brings a warm, grounded presence and a thoughtful, relationship-centered approach to counseling that aligns deeply with our values of connection, collaboration, and meaningful change.

A Therapist Who Helps Clients Understand Themselves in Context

One of Greta’s greatest strengths is her ability to help clients make sense of their inner world within the context of their relationships. Our relationships—past and present—shape how we see ourselves, how we cope, and how we move through life. Greta helps clients slow down, reflect, and better understand these patterns so they can respond with intention rather than feeling stuck in cycles that no longer serve them.

Greta works from a person-centered, collaborative approach, meaning therapy is not something done to you—it is something built with you. Clients can expect a nonjudgmental, steady space where their experiences are honored and goals are shaped together. This approach is especially helpful for those who may feel anxious about starting therapy or who have struggled to feel fully understood in the past.

Supporting Life Transitions, Grief, and Relationship Challenges

Greta has a particular passion for working with individuals navigating life transitions, grief and loss, and relationship concerns. Whether someone is adjusting to a new season of life, processing the loss of a loved one, or trying to improve communication and boundaries in their relationships, Greta helps clients find clarity and emotional steadiness during uncertain times.

Clients often seek Greta’s support when:

• Life feels overwhelming or uncertain

• Grief or loss feels heavy or unresolved

• Relationships feel strained or disconnected

• Anxiety or stress increases during transitions

• They want to better understand themselves and how they relate to others

Rather than rushing toward solutions, Greta helps clients understand why certain patterns exist—then gently supports them in creating healthier, more sustainable change.

A Calm, Grounding Presence in the Therapy Room

Beginning therapy can feel intimidating, and Greta is especially mindful of this. She is known for creating a calm, non-anxious environment where clients can take their time, ask questions, and feel supported from the very first session. Her style is steady, thoughtful, and compassionate—ideal for individuals who value reflection, emotional safety, and depth in the therapeutic process.

Using EMDR to Help the Brain Heal from Trauma and Distress

In addition to her relational, person‑centered approach, Greta incorporates Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) into her clinical work when it is an appropriate fit for the client and their goals.

EMDR is an evidence‑based therapy that helps the brain reprocess distressing memories and experiences that can remain “stuck” in the nervous system. These experiences don’t have to be major, single‑event traumas—many people carry the emotional impact of chronic stress, relational wounds, grief, or past experiences that continue to shape how they feel, think, and respond today.

Rather than focusing only on talking through the past, EMDR helps clients:

• Reduce the emotional intensity connected to painful memories

• Shift long‑standing negative beliefs about themselves

• Feel more grounded and present in daily life

• Respond to triggers with greater flexibility and calm

Greta approaches EMDR with the same care and collaboration that defines her work overall. She prioritizes emotional safety, pacing, and preparation, ensuring clients feel supported and in control throughout the process. EMDR is always integrated thoughtfully—never rushed—and used alongside insight‑building and relational work to support lasting change.

This approach can be especially helpful for clients who feel they “understand” their struggles intellectually but still feel emotionally stuck, reactive, or overwhelmed despite their best efforts.

Education, Training, and Professional Background

Greta holds a Master’s degree in Counseling from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in the state of Illinois. Her training integrates clinical skill with a deep respect for the whole person, allowing her to work effectively with clients from diverse backgrounds and life experiences.

Is Greta the Right Fit for You?

Greta may be an excellent fit if you are looking for a therapist who:

• Values collaboration and mutual understanding

• Helps you explore patterns in relationships and identity

• Offers a steady, nonjudgmental presence

• Supports both insight and practical growth

• Honors your pace and your story

We are thrilled to have Greta as part of the Summit Family Therapy team and confident that her presence will be a meaningful resource for individuals and families in our community.

Now accepting new clients. We invite you to reach out and take the next step toward clarity, healing, and connection.

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: Understanding the Difference

In recent years, the term codependency has made its way into everyday language. It’s often used casually to describe “needy” behavior or intense attachment, but clinically, codependency is a complex relational pattern rooted in early experiences, trauma, and fears of abandonment. At the same time, humans are wired for healthy dependency — the mutual reliance that strengthens secure relationships.

One of the most important tasks in therapy is helping people distinguish between these two experiences. Understanding the difference is essential for building relationships that feel supportive, balanced, and emotionally safe.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is commonly defined as a relational pattern in which one person becomes excessively emotionally or psychologically reliant on another—typically to the point of sacrificing their own needs, boundaries, or identity (Beattie, 1987; Cermak, 1986).

Key characteristics of codependency often include:

• Difficulty saying no

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or choices

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Self-worth tied to being needed

• People‑pleasing to avoid conflict

• Difficulty expressing personal needs

• A pattern of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or struggling with addiction

Cermak (1986) describes codependency as a “chronic pattern of dysfunctional caring,” where caretaking becomes compulsive and self-neglect becomes normalized.

In trauma‑informed terms:
Codependency often develops when early relationships required a child to be hyper-attuned to caregivers’ emotional states. In adulthood, this can transform into relationships driven by anxiety, over-functioning, or emotional enmeshment.

What Is Healthy Dependency?

Healthy dependency—also known as interdependence or secure dependence—is a natural, necessary part of human relationships.

Attachment science shows that humans are biologically wired for closeness, comfort, and co-regulation (Bowlby, 1988; Johnson, 2004). Healthy dependency is not weakness; it’s a sign of relational security.

Healthy dependency includes:

• Mutual support and shared emotional labor

• Freedom to express needs without fear

• Balanced give-and-take

• Maintaining individuality while staying connected

• Respect for personal boundaries

• Trust that the relationship can withstand honesty and conflict

Dr. Sue Johnson (2004), creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that emotionally healthy adults “depend on each other without losing themselves.”

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: The Core Differences

1. Identity

• Codependency: Sense of self becomes defined by caregiving, approval, or “being needed.”

• Healthy Dependency: Both people maintain autonomy while staying emotionally connected.

2. Boundaries

• Codependency: Blurred boundaries, difficulty saying no, fear that needs will push others away.

• Healthy Dependency: Clear boundaries, comfort expressing limits and preferences.

3. Emotional Responsibility

• Codependency: Feeling responsible for managing another person’s mood, choices, or reactions.

• Healthy Dependency: Supportive but grounded—each person is responsible for their own emotional regulation.

4. Reciprocity

• Codependency: One-sided giving, often driven by fear or obligation.

• Healthy Dependency: Mutual responsiveness and shared emotional labor.

5. Motivation for Care

• Codependency: Caregiving is tied to worthiness, fear of loss, or unresolved trauma patterns.

• Healthy Dependency: Caregiving is grounded in love, respect, and authentic connection.

Why This Distinction Matters

When people confuse healthy dependency with codependency, they may:

• Feel ashamed for having emotional needs

• Avoid closeness to prevent “codependency”

• Internalize the belief that needing others is a flaw

• Over-correct by becoming hyper-independent

Hyper-independence can actually be a trauma response (Tummala‑Narra, 2007), not a sign of strength.

Recognizing the difference allows individuals to:

• Build secure, emotionally safe relationships

• Set healthier boundaries

• Practice mutual vulnerability

• Cultivate relational resilience

Moving Toward Healthy Dependency

Healing often involves shifting from fear-driven relating to connection grounded in security and self-worth. Some therapeutic steps include:

• Identifying early attachment patterns

• Practicing boundary-setting

• Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without over-functioning

• Rebuilding self-worth separate from caretaking

• Developing relationships with mutual emotional responsiveness

Therapy can be a powerful place to practice these skills and unlearn patterns that once felt necessary for survival.

Conclusion

Codependency is not simply “needing someone too much” — it is a pattern rooted in fear, trauma, and the belief that love is earned through self-sacrifice. Healthy dependency, on the other hand, is a sign of emotional maturity and secure attachment.

You are meant to lean on others. The goal is not to avoid dependency, but to practice it in ways that honor both your needs and your partner’s.

If you recognize codependent patterns in your own life, know this: healing is absolutely possible, and you are worthy of relationships built on safety, balance, and genuine connection.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Hazelden.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Cermak, T. L. (1986). Diagnosing and treating co-dependence. Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 4(1), 5–52.
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.
Tummala‑Narra, P. (2007). Conceptualizing trauma and resilience across diverse contexts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 14(1-2).

Understanding Trauma Bonds: What They Are—and What They Are Not

Trauma bonding is a term that has gained widespread attention in recent years, yet it is often misunderstood or misused in everyday language. In clinical and research contexts, a trauma bond has a specific meaning rooted in patterns of abuse, coercive control, and intermittent reinforcement. This article clarifies what a trauma bond truly is, what it is not, and why the distinction matters.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

An Emotional Bond Formed Within an Abusive Relationship

A trauma bond develops when a victim forms a powerful emotional attachment to an abuser through ongoing cycles of fear, threat, manipulation, and intermittent affection or relief. This dynamic creates a psychological trap that keeps the victim bonded to the perpetrator. According to foundational research by Dutton and Painter, trauma bonds emerge specifically from cyclical abuse and power imbalances.

Driven by Intermittent Reinforcement

The abuser alternates between cruelty and moments of kindness, apologies, or affection. This unpredictable “push‑pull” pattern strengthens attachment in ways similar to the behavioral mechanisms behind gambling rewards. Intermittent reward makes the victim cling tightly to the relationship, hoping for the “good” version of the abuser to return.

Occurs Across Many Forms of Interpersonal Violence

Trauma bonding is not exclusive to romantic partnerships. Research identifies trauma bonds in:

• intimate partner violence

• child abuse

• incest

• hostage situations

• cults

• human trafficking

• hazing and high‑control group dynamics

Results in Loss of Agency and Self‑Concept

Victims in trauma bonds often internalize the abuser’s perception of them, losing a sense of autonomy and self‑worth. Over time, they may come to believe they cannot leave the relationship, or that they deserve the mistreatment.

Linked to Serious Mental Health Impacts

Long‑term consequences include:

• low self‑esteem

• depression

• distorted self‑image

• difficulty leaving abusive relationships

• increased vulnerability to future partner violence

Not Simply a Victim Response—Sometimes It Is Strategically Engineered

Newer frameworks, such as weaponised attachment, emphasize how perpetrators deliberately groom, manipulate, and entangle victims to foster this bond before overt abuse begins—using love‑bombing, secrecy, and emotional dependency as tools of coercive control.

What a Trauma Bond Is Not

Not a Mutual Bond Formed Through Shared Pain or Trauma Disclosure

In casual conversation, some use “trauma bonding” to describe connecting with someone by sharing vulnerable or painful experiences. However, clinically, this is not trauma bonding. A trauma bond specifically involves abuse, not mutual storytelling or emotional intimacy.

Not Just a “Toxic” or Difficult Relationship

Many unhealthy relationships lack the core components of a trauma bond—particularly intermittent reinforcement, coercive control, and fear‑based attachment. Trauma bonding is more severe and systemic than everyday relational conflict or dysfunction.

Not a Sign of Weakness or Lack of Insight

Trauma bonds are neurobiologically reinforced survival strategies. Victims often stay because their nervous system is conditioned to seek safety from the same person causing harm. This is not a character flaw—it is a predictable outcome of the abuse cycle.

Not Explained by Attachment Alone

While attachment patterns may influence vulnerability, trauma bonding is distinct from anxious attachment or typical relational insecurity. A 2024 dissertation analyzing traumatic bonding profiles found that trauma bonds have unique features tied to power, self‑blame, punishment cycles, and coercive control, not just attachment dynamics.

Why the Distinction Matters

Misusing the term “trauma bond” can minimize the severity of abuse survivors' experiences or create confusion about what they are going through. Accurately identifying a trauma bond helps clinicians, survivors, and support networks understand:

• why leaving an abusive relationship feels impossible

• why the survivor may defend or idealize the abuser

• how to structure trauma-informed interventions

• how to restore autonomy and rebuild internal safety

Understanding what a trauma bond truly is gives survivors language for their experiences—and a roadmap toward healing.

References

1. Traumatic Bonding, Wikipedia: cyclical abuse, power imbalance, and contexts of trauma bonds.

2. Trauma Bonding, Psychology Today: definition, signs, and mechanisms of intermittent reinforcement.

3. Trauma Bonding and Interpersonal Violence, Reid et al. (2013): conceptualization and contexts of trauma bonding.

4. Palmer, M. (2024). An examination of how individuals experience a traumatic bond: latent profile analysis and distinctions from attachment.

When the Past Feels Present: How Epstein Files Coverage Can Shake Trauma Survivors—and How We Can Show Up for Each Other

The public release of the Epstein files has reopened a painful conversation about sexual exploitation, systemic failure, and the countless survivors who have endured these harms in silence. But alongside public outrage and political scrutiny, there’s a quieter, more intimate story unfolding—one happening inside the nervous systems of trauma survivors who are reliving echoes of their own experiences.

If someone you love seems shaken, or if you feel unsettled and can’t quite explain why, you’re not alone. The emotional weight of stories like these can land hard, and understanding why they do is an important part of healing.

When the News Hits Too Close: Why the Epstein Files Impact Trauma Survivors So Deeply

For many survivors, the coverage surrounding the Epstein case is more than just news—it’s a reminder of harm that was ignored, minimized, or hidden. Psychiatrists have noted that survivors often face a “double jeopardy”: first the abuse, and then the disbelief or dismissal that follows, leaving wounds that can last for decades.

When the media revisits stories involving sexual exploitation, power imbalances, and failures to hold perpetrators accountable, survivors can feel retraumatized—especially when the disclosures include graphic details or emphasize how many warning signs were overlooked. Some of the recently released Epstein materials include sensitive descriptions of sexual assault, making them particularly triggering for individuals with a trauma history.

These reactions aren’t “overreactions.” They are nervous system responses shaped by lived experience and protective instinct.

What’s Happening in the Body: A Polyvagal Lens on Trauma Triggers

The physical and emotional reactions trauma survivors feel when exposed to triggering news stories can be better understood through polyvagal theory, developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges. This framework explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to cues of safety or threat—often without conscious awareness.

The Three States of the Nervous System

• Ventral Vagal State (Connection & Safety):
  When the world feels safe, we can connect, think clearly, and regulate emotions.

• Sympathetic Activation (Fight or Flight):
  When a story like the Epstein files hits the news, it can signal “danger,” leading to anxiety, agitation, or a sense of internal buzzing.

• Dorsal Vagal Shutdown (Freeze or Collapse):
  When the threat feels overwhelming, survivors may emotionally shut down, disconnect, or feel numb—an autonomic strategy for self‑protection.

Polyvagal theory suggests that for trauma survivors, the nervous system can quickly shift into defensive states because earlier life experiences have “reconditioned” their internal alarms. What looks like an emotional reaction is, in reality, a physiological one.

Understanding this can help survivors meet their reactions with compassion—and help loved ones respond in more supportive ways.

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Is Triggered

When someone you care about is thrown off balance by traumatic news, your presence can make a meaningful difference. Here are ways to support them without overwhelming them:

Lead With Calm, Not Questions

Your tone of voice, facial expression, and pacing can cue their nervous system toward safety. This is called co-regulation, and it’s a powerful polyvagal-informed principle.

Validate Their Feelings

Sentences like:

• “I’m here with you.”

• “This makes sense.”
  

  These can counter the invalidation many survivors have experienced—even decades after the trauma.

Invite (But Don’t Push) Grounding

Offer gentle options:

• Slow breathing together

• Looking around the room

• Feeling feet on the floor
  

  These help re-engage ventral vagal pathways that support emotional regulation.

Protect Their Peace

Encourage stepping back from the relentless news cycle. The Epstein materials are extensive and, in some cases, graphic; boundaries around media exposure can be essential for nervous system stability.

Ask What Support Looks Like

Let them define what they need. Trauma often involves a loss of agency; offering choice helps restore it.

How Therapy Can Help Survivors Navigate Triggers and Heal

Therapy—especially trauma informed approaches grounded in polyvagal theory—can help survivors understand their nervous system, regain emotional flexibility, and restore a sense of safety in their bodies and relationships.

Polyvagal-informed therapies focus on:

• Recognizing and mapping autonomic states

• Identifying triggers and cues of safety

• Strengthening vagal regulation through breath, movement, vocalization, and relational connection

• Building resilience through co-regulation with a therapist

These modalities help survivors shift from being “stuck” in survival states to experiencing more moments of ventral vagal calm and connection. Research shows that polyvagal-informed approaches enhance emotional regulation and reduce trauma symptoms.

Therapy also provides a space to process the secondary trauma that news coverage like the Epstein files can stir—the anger, the grief, the sense of systemic betrayal—and to reconnect with hope.

References

1. Moffic, H. S. (2025). The Epstein Files, the Abuse of Women, and Psychiatry. Psychiatric Times.

2. Institute for Functional Medicine. (2024). Understanding PTSD From a Polyvagal Perspective.

3. PBS News. (2026). The latest Epstein files release includes famous names and new details about an earlier investigation.

4. U.S. Department of Justice. (2026). Epstein Library (Epstein Files Transparency Act Disclosures).

5. Sky News. (2026). Epstein files: The key findings so far.

6. Psychotraumatology Institute. (2025). Polyvagal Theory–Informed Therapies.

Navigating Grief Together: A Message from Dr. Courtney Stivers

Over the past two weeks, our workplace community has been touched by a profound wave of loss. Three of our employees have experienced the passing of close loved ones, and within my own extended family, we are mourning the loss of a child to cancer. These moments remind us of the fragility of life, the depth of human love, and the universal experience of grief that connects us all.

Grief is not a linear journey, nor is it something that follows rules or timelines. It arrives without warning, lingers in unexpected ways, and reshapes our understanding of the world. For some, it shows up as tears. For others, silence. For many, it appears as exhaustion, confusion, or even moments of laughter that bring guilt. All these experiences are real, valid, and deeply human.

The Weight We Carry

When loss touches a workplace, it doesn’t stay at the door. We bring our whole selves to our work—our strengths, our fears, our hopes, and our heartaches. As we navigate these recent losses, it's important to recognize that grief affects each of us differently. There is no “right way” to mourn. What matters is that no one faces it alone.

To everyone else who wants to help: your compassion and patience can be a powerful source of comfort. Sometimes the smallest gestures—checking in, offering help, or simply acknowledging someone’s pain—can mean more than you realize.

When Grief Hits Close to Home

As I walk through grief within my own family, I am reminded of both the pain and the privilege of being human. Losing a child—especially to something as senseless as cancer—is a wound that words cannot fully hold. My family is learning, day by day, how to breathe differently, love differently, and find meaning again in the midst of heartbreak.

Sharing this with you is not easy, but it feels important. Leaders are not immune to loss. Professionals do not cease to be vulnerable. And even those who help others through their darkest moments must also learn to walk through their own.

Years ago, I endured the painful loss of my mother after her battle with an aggressive from of breast cancer. Losing a parent leaves a particular kind of void—one filled with memories, gratitude, and the ache of unfinished conversations.

During that time, my family was lifted by tremendous support from friends, loved ones, and our community. Their meals, prayers, messages, and simple presence reminded us that even in the darkest seasons, we do not walk alone. That support helped shape how I understand compassion today—and it continually inspires the way I show up for others in moments of loss.

Supporting One Another Through the Process

Grief becomes more bearable when it is met with community. In the coming days and weeks, I encourage all of us to:

• Show grace — to yourself and others.

• Lean on the support available — whether through colleagues, friends, mental health resources, or spiritual practices.

• Recognize signs of overwhelm — such as withdrawal, irritability, or fatigue — and reach out when you notice them in others.

• Allow yourself to feel — whatever arises, without judgment.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry our memories forward while learning to live with a new kind of normal. 

Sending hugs to anyone who is hurting today.  You do not have to go through it alone.   

Meet Our New Clinical Director of Family Services!

We are delighted to share an exciting milestone in the growth of our practice!

Kate Mills, MA, LCPC has been promoted to Clinical Director of Family Services at Summit Family Therapy!

Dear Friends, Clients, and Community Partners,

For years, Kate has been a cornerstone of what makes Summit special. Her dedication, compassion, and professionalism have profoundly shaped the experiences of our clients and our team. This promotion reflects not only her clinical expertise, but also the exceptional heart, leadership, and integrity she brings into every room she enters.

A Leader Who Embodies Our Values

Kate is known for her deep respect for each individual’s story and her unwavering belief that every person deserves to be heard. She has helped cultivate a workplace where empathy, authenticity, and collaboration flourish—values that radiate into the care our clients receive every day.

Her work ethic and commitment to excellence set a high standard for our entire team. Whether supporting colleagues, consulting on cases, or introducing innovative therapeutic ideas, Kate consistently leads with calm confidence, example, and an encouraging spirit.

Advanced Training & Specializations

Kate’s clinical expertise is both broad and highly specialized. Her flexible, person-centered approach incorporates talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral strategies, EMDR, expressive arts, and play—ensuring that every client can find a path to healing that feels safe, meaningful, and empowering.

A Heart for Families & Community

Kate has a natural gift for helping clients discover deeper meaning and connection within themselves and their relationships. Her warmth and insight have guided countless individuals and families toward resilience, peace, and healthier ways of living.

Outside the therapy room, Kate’s joyful, grounded presence continues to inspire. She draws strength from her large extended family, and she cherishes time spent with her three sons and their dogs—whether playing games, exploring outdoors, or enjoying a great TV re-run or new food adventure.

We are thrilled for what this next chapter means not only for Kate, but for our entire Summit Family Therapy community. Her leadership will continue to shape our commitment to providing compassionate, evidence-based care for individuals, couples, and families across all seasons of life.

Please join us in celebrating Kate Mills!

We are grateful to have her guiding our mission and strengthening the work we do every day.

Warmly,
The Summit Family Therapy Team

When Friendship Feels Hard: Understanding the Barriers That Keep Us Apart

Most of us agree that friendship is important, yet many people quietly struggle to create and maintain meaningful relationships. As a therapist, I hear this often:

• “I’m terrible at making friends.”

• “Everyone else seems to have a social circle. What's wrong with me?”

• “My friendships drift as life gets busier.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. There are very real, very human reasons people find friendship harder in adulthood.

Let’s talk about some barriers and why investing in relationships is still one of the best things you can do for your well-being. (See my previous post for more information on how friendships impact our health). 

Barrier 1: We’re Busy. Really Busy

Between work, family duties, childcare, and the daily logistics of life, many adults simply run out of time and emotional energy. Friendship often becomes the thing we get to “when life slows down,” except life rarely does.

Potential Solution:
Schedule connection the same way you schedule appointments. Friendship deserves a place on the calendar.

Barrier 2: Life Transitions Change Our Social World

Moves, breakups, new jobs, parenthood, health challenges or other transitions reshape our routines and priorities. Even strong friendships can weaken without intentional effort.

Potential Solution:
Acknowledge that friendships naturally ebb and flow. Reach out even when years have passed. Reconnection is often easier than we fear.

Barrier 3: We Rely Too Heavily on Digital Connection

Social media can trick us into feeling “connected” while offering little of the emotional engagement that real friendship provides. Online interactions often lack depth, vulnerability, and mutual support.

Potential Solution:
Supplement digital contact with real conversations when possible. Challenge yourself to use voice notes, phone calls, or in-person time. 

Barrier 4: We Learn Early to Prioritize Self-Sufficiency

Many people internalize the belief that needing others is a sign of weakness. But emotionally healthy people do lean on each other: not because they’re fragile, but because connection is part of being human.

Potential Solution:
Try reframing reaching out as strength: “I value this relationship enough to invest in it.”

Barrier 5: Fear of Vulnerability

To form a close friendship, we need to let people see the real us; our hopes, fears, insecurities. That can feel risky, especially if we’ve been hurt before.

Potential Solution:
Start small. Share honest pieces of yourself gradually, giving others the opportunity to know you a little at a time. Trust is built, not assumed.

Friendships Are Worth the Effort

Even with these challenges, research consistently shows that meaningful friendships improve mental health, increase resilience, and create a buffer against life’s stressors.

Friendship is not effortless. But like any worthwhile investment, the rewards far outweigh the work.

Further Reading & Resources

If you’d like to explore this topic further, these resources offer research-based insight in a way that’s approachable, validating, and practical. You don’t need to read or watch everything, consider choosing what feels most relevant to where you are right now.

Books

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco Ph.D.
  Helpful if you: struggle with initiating friendships, feel unsure how to deepen connections, or wonder why friendship feels harder as an adult.
  
  

• Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth
  Helpful if you: like understanding the “why” behind human behavior and want reassurance that friendship truly matters for mental and physical health.
  
  

• Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
  Helpful if you: Want to read about how attachment patterns influence adult relationships, not just romantic ones
  
  

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy, MD
  Helpful if you: Want to explore loneliness as a public health issue and the role of meaningful relationships 

The Fourth “F” — Fawning

Most people are familiar with the classic trauma responses: fight, flight, and freeze. But trauma research has increasingly recognized a fourth response that often hides in plain sight: fawning.

In her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves — and How to Find Our Way Back, psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton describes fawning as a hybrid trauma adaptation—a subconscious survival strategy in which a person moves toward the source of threat rather than away from it. Instead of protecting ourselves through avoidance or defense, we attempt to secure safety by appeasing, pleasing, or over‑accommodating the person who feels unsafe or unpredictable.

What Fawning Is (and Isn’t)

Fawning is often mistaken for people‑pleasing or codependency, but the underlying motivation is different.

• People‑pleasing is typically about wanting to be liked.

• Codependency involves enmeshment and lack of boundaries.

• Fawning, however, is a trauma‑based response rooted in fear, insecurity, and the need for emotional or physical safety.

Fawning shows up when we feel inexplicably drawn closer to someone who causes harm or instability—something that doesn’t make logical sense but makes emotional survival sense. Instead of withdrawing from pain or dysfunction, we move toward it, hoping to minimize conflict or avoid abandonment.

Why Fawning Keeps Us Stuck

Fawning helps explain why people:

• Stay in harmful relationships

• Remain in toxic workplaces

• Tolerate dysfunctional environments

• Ignore red flags that seem obvious to others

Like all trauma responses, fawning originally served a purpose—it helped someone survive an unsafe environment. But when it becomes an automatic, lifelong pattern, it can lead to resentment, burnout, loss of identity, and chronic self‑silencing.

Signs You Might Be “Fawning”

If you’ve ever found yourself doing the following, you may be operating from a fawn response:

• Apologizing to someone who hurt you in an attempt to defuse tension

• Ignoring a partner’s harmful behavior because speaking up feels dangerous

• Staying up late or overworking to stay on your boss’s “good side”

• Befriending bullies or difficult people to reduce conflict

• Worrying constantly about saying the “wrong” thing

• Shifting your personality, preferences, or opinions for approval

At its core, fawning is about earning safety through compliance—a strategy that may once have been protective but becomes harmful when it replaces healthy boundaries.

How Therapy Helps Break the Fawn Response

Healing requires learning new ways to experience safety, connection, and self‑expression. Several evidence‑based therapies can support this process:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify survival‑based beliefs (“I’m only safe if everyone is happy with me”) and replace them with healthier cognitions.

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Strengthens emotional regulation, boundary‑setting, and distress tolerance.

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps explore protective parts of the self that developed the fawn response.

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Reprocesses traumatic memories that created the pattern.

• Somatic Experiencing: Helps the nervous system learn safety through body‑based awareness and regulation.

Fawning is not a character flaw—it’s a trauma imprint. With the right support, people can reconnect with their authentic selves, develop healthy relationships, and rebuild a sense of internal safety.

References

Clayton, I. (2023). Fawning: Why the need to please makes us lose ourselves—and how to find our way back.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy (3rd ed.): Basic principles, protocols, and procedures. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

The Silent Weight Men Carry

“Suck it up, butter cup.”

“Rub some dirt in it.”

Most men have heard some version of these lines, little slogans wrapped in toughness and handed to boys long before they ever understand what they mean. Years ago, someone said I was “the least masculine employee.” To this day, I still don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

Some men reading this may already be rolling their eyes or getting ready to accuse me of being woke. But stay with me, because what I’m talking about isn’t politics. It’s pain. It’s shame. It’s the quiet, suffocating struggle that too many men carry alone.

The Shame That Chokes

The shame men feel about seeking mental health support in our culture is palpable. In fact, it’s choking the life out of men who desperately need help but don’t feel allowed to ask for it. We’ve placed this bizarre expectation on men to “have it all together,” as if being male somehow comes with a manual for emotional invincibility.

Understanding the origins of these cultural expectations is important, but that’s a paper for another day. Today, I want to speak from the heart and from years of working with men from every walk of life.

The High Cost of Silence

I’ve worked with hundreds of men and boys, and nearly all of them have struggled under the same pressure:

Be strong.

Don’t cry.

Hold it together.

Don’t let them see you sweat.

I see this pressure at its most intense in first‑responder and military communities. These men are expected to have the answers, rise to the occasion, and if necessary, even meet violence with violence. But ask them how they’re feeling? Suggest that they practice self‑care or see a therapist? Some would rather walk it off even if they’re metaphorically (or literally) bleeding out.

Think Monty Python’s “It’s only a flesh wound” scene from the Holy Grail. That’s how a lot of men treat emotional injuries, as if admitting harm is worse than the harm itself.

Even in faith settings, men are expected to be unwavering pillars, protectors, providers, and leaders. But what happens when they fall short? When they doubt, struggle, or crumble under expectations?

Shame swoops in.

Shame tells them they’re less than other men.

Not good enough.

Not strong enough.

Not smart enough.

Not spiritual enough.

And men begin comparing themselves to other men, it’s what we do, usually while everyone is pretending they’re fine making small talk about the latest game or trend.

So, What Should Men Do?

If you’re a man reading this, here’s a hard but honest question:

Do you know how your behavior and your words impact the people around you?

Sometimes the expectations we cling to, the ones we think make us men, are the very things holding us back from real connection, growth, and emotional depth. It’s possible that what you were taught to value is actually harming your relationships and your own development.

So, here’s the real test of courage:

Can you admit you need help?

Can you take the first vulnerable step toward change?

Because being a man has nothing to do with being the strongest or the most dominant person in the room. It’s about how you show up.

Do people feel secure around you?

Do you act with integrity?

Do your values line up with your behavior?

These are the real markers of strength.

A New Kind of Masculinity

Men deserve deeper connections, richer relationships, and the freedom to be fully human, and not just stoic warriors marching silently toward burnout or breakdown.

If you’ve ever felt like you needed to “suck it up,” maybe today is the day you don’t.

Maybe today is the day you loosen your grip and admit:

“This is heavy, and I can’t carry it alone.”

Because asking for help doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you honest.

It makes you courageous.

And most importantly, it makes you whole.

Hat, Haircut, and Tattoo Decisions: A Better Way to Decide Almost Anything

Years ago, I stood in a store holding a sweater I didn’t need but really liked.

It wasn’t expensive. It wouldn’t change my life. And yet, I stood there debating it like I was deciding whether to quit my job.

At the same time, I was doing the opposite in other areas of my life. I tended to make impulsive, rushed, high-stakes decisions with far less thought than they deserved.

I was reminded of this dilemma when presented with the mental model James Clear shares in Atomic Habits: hat, haircut, and tattoo decisions (Clear, 2018).

Once I learned it, I started noticing how often I get decision-making backwards.

The Mental Model

James Clear breaks decisions into three categories:

• Hat decisions are easy to reverse. You try them on. If you don’t like them, you take them off.

• Haircut decisions take time to undo. You’ll live with the result for a while, but it’s not permanent.

• Tattoo decisions are long-lasting or irreversible. They shape your identity and future options.

The issue isn’t poor judgment.
It’s misclassifying the decision.

Hat Decisions: Low Risk, High Learning

Buying the sweater was a hat decision.

The downside was limited. The upside was learning whether I’d actually enjoy wearing it. Either way, the cost of being wrong was small.

Hat decisions tend to be:

• Low cost

• Reversible

• Rich in feedback

And yet, these are the decisions we overthink the most.

We hesitate to:

• Try a new routine

• Publish a piece of writing

• Attend one class or event

• Test a new tool or habit

Behavioral science consistently shows that small experiments reduce fear and increase action. This is the foundation of Eric Ries’ Lean Startup methodology, which emphasizes rapid experimentation and learning over premature optimization (Ries, 2011).

Psychologically, this works because it lowers perceived risk and bypasses loss aversion: the tendency to overweight potential losses relative to gains (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).

Hat decisions aren’t about being right.
They’re about learning quickly.

Haircut Decisions: Commit, Then Revisit

Changing jobs, on the other hand, is not a hat decision.

It’s a haircut.

When I changed roles a few years ago, I knew I wasn’t locking myself into a permanent identity; but I also knew the decision would shape my skills, network, and trajectory for years. There were switching costs. I couldn’t just undo it next week.

Haircut decisions:

• Require commitment

• Have delayed feedback

• Are reversible, but not instantly

Examples include:

• Changing roles or career direction

• Moving to a new city

• Taking on a long-term project

• Committing to a serious fitness or financial plan

Research on goal-setting shows that commitment paired with clear review points leads to better outcomes than either indecision or blind persistence (Locke & Latham, 2002).

Instead of asking, “Is this perfect?”
A better question is:

“Can I commit to this for a defined period and reassess honestly?”

Haircut decisions shouldn’t trap you, but they should be taken seriously.

Tattoo Decisions: Slow Down and Zoom Out

Then there are tattoo decisions.

For me, this looked like making a meaningful financial sacrifice early in my career: choosing flexibility and alignment over immediate compensation. That choice closed some doors while opening others.

Tattoo decisions tend to:

• Be difficult or impossible to reverse

• Shape identity

• Influence future options in compounding ways

Examples include:

• Marriage

• Having children

• Starting a company

• Taking on significant debt

• Publicly anchoring your identity to a role or belief

James Clear emphasizes that identity-based decisions are the hardest to undo, because once something becomes part of who we think we are, it reinforces future behavior (Clear, Identity-Based Habits).

This is why tattoo decisions deserve slowness: not fear, but reflection.

Tattoo decisions aren’t about efficiency.
They’re about alignment.

The Hidden Cost of Category Errors

Most decision-related stress comes from treating the wrong decisions as permanent.

• Overthinking hat decisions leads to anxiety and stagnation

• Rushing tattoo decisions leads to regret

Cognitive biases help explain why:

• Loss aversion magnifies small risks

• Social evaluation inflates trivial choices

• Present bias downplays long-term consequences (Thaler, 1981)

Clarity returns when you ask:

What kind of decision is this, really?

A Simple Filter

When faced with a difficult choice, ask:

1. How reversible is this?

2. What’s the worst (realistic) downside?

3. What information will I gain by acting?

Then match your speed accordingly:

• Hat → act quickly

• Haircut → commit with a timeline

• Tattoo → slow down and zoom out

Why This Matters for Habits and Growth

Most meaningful change doesn’t begin with a tattoo decision.

It begins with hat decisions repeated consistently.

Research on self-perception theory suggests that we infer identity from behavior, not intention (Bem, 1972). Small actions, repeated over time, quietly reshape how we see ourselves.

By lowering the stakes on most decisions, we make better ones on the few that truly matter.

So buy the sweater - or don’t - but don’t let it drain your energy.
Save that care for the decisions that will still matter years from now.

Does this idea resonate with you? Check out my works cited, or here's a short list of recommendations:

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear
   The foundation. Clear’s work on identity-based habits explains why small, reversible actions compound into permanent change, and where the hat, haircut, tattoo framework fits into a bigger picture.
   https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits

2. Identity-Based Habits (Article) by James Clear
   A short, high-impact read that clarifies why some decisions feel permanent: once something becomes part of your identity, it’s much harder to undo.
   https://jamesclear.com/identity-based-habits

3. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
   A classic on how humans misjudge risk and consequence. Especially useful for understanding why we overthink low-stakes decisions and underestimate long-term ones.

4. Hat, Haircut, Tattoo Decisions (Video)
   A clear, accessible breakdown of the framework in video form. Great if you want a quick refresher or prefer visual explanations.
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHIXRo7zICM

The Grieving Body: How Loss Lives in the Body

A Book Review of The Grieving Body By Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD.

Grief is one of the most painful and disorienting human experiences. Many describe it as feeling as though a part of themselves has been cut away—an absence so profound it is felt not only emotionally, but physically. In The Grieving Brain, psychologist and neuroscientist Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD, offers compelling scientific and clinical insight into why grief feels the way it does and how loss fundamentally reshapes the body and brain.

O’Connor’s work challenges the common misconception that grief is “all in our head.” Instead, she demonstrates that grief is a whole‑body experience, rooted in biology, attachment, and survival.

Grief as a Biological Experience

According to O’Connor, bereavement activates powerful physiological responses. The death of a loved one can trigger increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, heightened stress hormones, and inflammatory processes throughout the body. These responses occur because close relationships are not simply emotional bonds—they are part of our survival system.

Humans are wired for attachment. When we form a close bond, our nervous systems become attuned to another person’s presence, habits, and rhythms. Over time, the brain comes to rely on that relationship in ways that operate largely outside of conscious awareness. The sudden loss of that bond places the body into a state of alarm, as though something essential to survival has disappeared.

This helps explain why grief can feel so physically distressing: the body is reacting to danger, not metaphor.

The Loneliness of Loss and the Brain’s Search

One of O’Connor’s central themes is the brain’s effort to make sense of absence. After a loss, the world can feel painfully unfamiliar. Widows and widowers often describe a deep loneliness that cannot be easily named—not merely the absence of companionship, but the absence of a shared reality.

O’Connor explains that grief is not just cognitive (“I know they are gone”), but also emotional and neurological. The brain continuously predicts where our loved one will be, how they will respond, and how we will move through the world together. After a death, the brain must repeatedly confront the mismatch between expectation and reality.

This ongoing process of recalibration is exhausting and can leave grieving individuals feeling confused, unfocused, or emotionally overwhelmed.

The Body Keeps the Score of Loss

A particularly sobering contribution of The Grieving Brain is O’Connor’s discussion of the physical risks associated with bereavement. Research shows that chronic health conditions may emerge or worsen sooner following the death of a loved one. The prolonged stress of grief can accelerate inflammation, weaken immune functioning, and exacerbate underlying medical vulnerabilities.

O’Connor highlights the well‑documented “widowhood effect,” which shows a significantly increased risk of illness and mortality following spousal loss. In the first one to three months after a wife’s death, a surviving husband’s risk of death approximately doubles. Following a husband’s death, a surviving wife’s risk increases by approximately 50 percent. While this elevated risk decreases over time, bereavement is clearly a period of heightened physical vulnerability.

In rare but real cases, sudden cardiac events—sometimes referred to as “broken heart syndrome”—can occur following acute emotional loss.

Clinical Implications and Compassionate Care

O’Connor’s work carries an important message for both clinicians and bereaved individuals: grief deserves medical and psychological attention. Survivors are often encouraged to “be strong” or “move on,” yet the science suggests the opposite—grief requires care, monitoring, and compassion.

Medical follow‑ups, mental health support, and reduced self‑criticism during early bereavement are not indulgent; they are protective. Understanding grief as a biological process may also relieve some of the shame grieving individuals feel when their bodies seem to “betray” them.

A Grounded, Hopeful Perspective

While The Grieving Brain is rooted in neuroscience, it is ultimately a deeply humane work. O’Connor does not offer quick solutions or timelines. Instead, she emphasizes that adaptation after loss takes time and that the brain is capable of relearning a world forever changed.

This book is particularly valuable for grief therapists, medical professionals, and anyone navigating loss. It validates the experience of grief as both profoundly painful and deeply human—something that happens not because we are weak, but because we are bonded.

Final Reflections

The Grieving Brain reframes grief as a biological, relational, and survival‑based experience. Mary‑Frances O’Connor reminds us that love does not end when someone dies—and neither does the body’s memory of that love.

Grief lives in the body because love lived there first.

Gaslighting: What It Really Means (And Why We Need to Stop Misusing It)

Have you ever heard someone say, “You’re gaslighting me!” during an argument? These days, the term pops up everywhere—social media, TV shows, even casual conversations. But here’s the thing: gaslighting isn’t just a trendy buzzword. It’s a serious form of psychological manipulation, and when we throw it around carelessly, we risk losing sight of what it really means.

Let’s dive deeper into what gaslighting really is, why it’s harmful, how to spot it, and what to do if you’re experiencing it.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is more than lying or disagreeing—it’s a deliberate, ongoing effort to make someone doubt their reality. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the lights and denying it ever happened.

In real life, gaslighting looks like:

• Intentional distortion of reality: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• Power imbalance: It often occurs in relationships where one person holds more control.

• Long-term impact: Over time, the victim starts questioning their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting is not a one-time lie or a heated argument. It’s a pattern of behavior designed to erode someone’s confidence in their own perception.

Why Is It So Harmful?

Gaslighting isn’t just frustrating—it’s damaging. Victims often experience:

• Loss of self-trust: They stop believing their own thoughts and feelings.

• Emotional dependence: The manipulator becomes the “truth-teller.”

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common outcomes.

Imagine constantly second-guessing yourself—wondering if you’re “too sensitive” or “making things up.” That’s the reality for many people who experience gaslighting.

When We Misuse the Term

Here’s the problem: “gaslighting” has become shorthand for any disagreement or lie. That’s not accurate—and it matters. Misusing the term can:

• Dilute its meaning: Real victims struggle to be heard when the word is overused.

• Create confusion: Not every argument or misunderstanding is gaslighting.

• Trivialize abuse: It’s a serious issue, not a casual insult.

Gaslighting requires intent and repetition. A single lie? Not gaslighting. A difference in opinion? Definitely not gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, look for these signs:

• Repeated denial of facts you know to be true.

• Twisting your words to make you feel irrational or “crazy.”

• Minimizing your feelings (“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things”).

• Rewriting history to fit their narrative.

• Making you question your memory or judgment over time.

• Creating dependency so you rely on them for “the truth.”

If these behaviors happen consistently and intentionally, it may be gaslighting—not just a disagreement.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step. Here’s what you can do:

• Document what happens: Keep a journal of conversations and events.

• Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can validate your experiences.

• Set boundaries: Limit interactions with the person if possible.

• Prioritize your mental health: Gaslighting can take a toll—professional support can help you rebuild confidence.

• Know when to walk away: In severe cases, leaving the relationship or environment may be necessary for your well-being.

The Bottom Line

Gaslighting is a powerful term for a harmful behavior. Let’s use it carefully. When we understand what it truly means, we can better support those who experience it—and keep our conversations honest and respectful.

References

1. Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

2. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

3. Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

4. American Psychological Association. (2023). Gaslighting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

The Quiet Power of Friendship: Why We Need Each Other More Than Ever

As a therapist, I’m often reminded that some of the most important healing doesn’t happen in my office. Healing happens over cups of coffee, in late-night phone calls, during shared laughter, or when someone says, “I’m here. Tell me what’s going on” or “I support you.”

Friendship is not just a social luxury. It's an essential component of mental and emotional well-being. Research consistently shows that meaningful social connection is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction, resilience, and even physical health. And yet, in a world that prizes independence and busyness, many of us underestimate the quiet power of friendship.

This season I want to explore why investing in healthy friendship matters, and why nurturing these bonds is one of the healthiest choices you can make.

Friendship Supports Emotional Well-Being

Humans are wired for connection. Supportive friendships create a sense of belonging, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even a single close relationship can significantly lower stress levels and improve our sense of stability.

Studies show that people with strong social ties have:

• Better self-esteem

• A stronger sense of purpose

• Higher levels of happiness

• Greater life satisfaction

Friends remind us that we don’t have to carry life alone.

Friendship Protects Mental Health

The benefits aren’t just emotional,  they’re biological. Supportive relationships have been linked to lower cortisol (the stress hormone), better emotional regulation, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Friendship acts like a buffer between us and the stressful events of life. When we know we have someone to lean on, challenges feel more manageable.

And importantly: the quality of friendships matters more than the quantity.
A few deep, trusted relationships often offer more support than dozens of casual acquaintances.

Friendship Strengthens Physical Health, Too

Decades of research show consistent patterns: socially connected people tend to live longer, recover more quickly from illness, and have lower rates of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure.

Why?
Because feeling supported lowers stress, encourages healthy habits, and strengthens the immune system. Friendship, in many ways, is preventative medicine.

Why Friendship Is Especially Important During Transitions

Life transitions often shake our sense of identity. New jobs, moves, parenthood, relationship changes, grief can leave us feeling untethered.

In these moments, healthy friendships provide continuity. They remind us of who we are, what we value, and how much we matter.

If you’re going through a challenging season, consider asking yourself: Who in my life offers comfort, grounding, and perspective? And have I reached out lately?

An Invitation

If friendship has slipped to the bottom of your priority list, as it often does for busy adults, it’s worth revisiting. Even small steps matter: a text message, a short check-in call, or setting a date to reconnect.

Your mental health will thank you.

Want to Learn More About Friendship & Mental Health?

If you’re curious about how friendships support emotional well-being, these resources are a great place to start:

1. Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

A compassionate, research-based book about building and maintaining meaningful friendships as an adult.

1. Friendship by Lydia Denworth

Explores the science behind why connection matters for our mental and physical health.

1. Mayo Clinic: “Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health”

A clear, easy-to-read overview of how friendships reduce stress, improve mood, and support overall well-being.

1. TED-Ed: “How Some Friendships Last — and Others Don’t”

A short, engaging video about what helps friendships thrive over time.

1. BBC Global: “How Friendships Could Help Us Live Longer”

Looks at the link between social connection, health, and longevity.

Estrangement and Fractured Families

Family estrangement is one of the most emotionally painful and least openly discussed experiences individuals face across the lifespan. Estrangement is commonly defined as the cessation or significant reduction of regular contact between two or more family members (Agllias, 2017). While often assumed to be permanent, estrangement can be fluid—relationships may move in and out of periods of distance, reconciliation, and renewed rupture over time.

Despite its prevalence, estrangement remains highly stigmatized. Many individuals hesitate to speak about fractured family relationships due to the pervasive cultural belief that others have “perfect families.” This silence can deepen feelings of shame, isolation, and self‑doubt, particularly when the estrangement was not mutually chosen.

One‑Sided Estrangement and Adult Child–Parent Relationships

Estrangements can be especially difficult when they feel one‑sided, such as when an adult child decides that the relationship with a parent is too emotionally harmful or complex to maintain. Adult children may choose distance to protect themselves from ongoing conflict, criticism, boundary violations, or unresolved trauma. Parents, in turn, may experience confusion, grief, anger, or disbelief, interpreting the cutoff as rejection or betrayal rather than self‑preservation.

Research suggests that many adult‑initiated estrangements stem from longstanding relational patterns rather than isolated events, including unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or perceived lack of acceptance (Carr et al., 2015).

Intergenerational Patterns of Estrangement

For some families, estrangement is not an isolated occurrence but part of a repeating intergenerational cycle—grandfather to father, father to son. These patterns often reflect unresolved family trauma, rigid relational roles, or inherited beliefs about power, loyalty, and closeness. Without intervention or conscious effort, these fractured dynamics can be unintentionally passed down, normalizing emotional cutoff as a means of conflict resolution.

Values Conflicts and Fear of Rejection

Fear of estrangement may also arise before a rupture occurs, particularly when an adult child makes lifestyle choices that differ sharply from parental values. Differences related to identity, relationships, religion, cultural norms, or personal beliefs can strain family bonds. Individuals may feel torn between authenticity and belonging, asking themselves:

Is it better to stand firm when I cannot change my beliefs, or can I continue to love someone while not approving of their decisions?

These tensions highlight the complexity of family relationships and the emotional labor required to balance personal integrity with relational connection.

Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Family estrangement can evoke emotions similar to ambiguous loss—grief without closure. Individuals may experience sadness, guilt, anger, relief, or a confusing mix of all four. Holidays, life milestones, and social comparisons often intensify this pain, reinforcing the sense of being “different” or excluded from a societal ideal of family unity (Boss, 2006).

Moving Forward: Care, Compassion, and Support

Regardless of the specific circumstances, it is essential to recognize that family estrangement is more common than commonly acknowledged—and that those experiencing it are not alone. Prioritizing self‑care, establishing supportive relationships outside the family system, and seeking professional counseling can help individuals process grief, clarify boundaries, and navigate decisions around contact or reconciliation.

Healing does not require minimizing pain or forcing forgiveness. Instead, it involves honoring one’s emotional experience, cultivating self‑compassion, and making choices that support long‑term well‑being.

References

Agllias, K. (2017). Missing families: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 31(4), 459–474. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017.1326476

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., & Kellas, J. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 135–152. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

Hill, J. (2023). Family estrangement: Establishing boundaries and navigating loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.

Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays : Why it matters, and how to do it without guilt.

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, but they can also bring stress, overstimulation, and complicated family dynamics. I find this season especially challenging because expectations seem to increase, while my personal bandwidth decreases. Can you relate? 

This is exactly why the holidays are one of the most important times to set boundaries. My boundaries exist not to distance myself from the people I love, but to stay grounded, emotionally safe, and genuinely present.

Why Holiday Boundaries Matter

The holidays often come with:

• packed schedules

• emotional triggers

• financial pressure

• family expectations

• social obligations

• travel stress

• less time for rest

Even joyful moments can feel heavy if you don’t have enough space to recover, recharge, or take care of yourself. Boundaries help you protect your energy so you can actually enjoy the parts of the season that matter to you.

A boundary is simply:
A limit that protects your well-being.
Not a rule for others, but a guideline for you.

Common Holiday Boundary Struggles

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone:

• Feeling obligated to attend every event

• Pressure to spend money you don’t have

• Being around relatives who drain you emotionally

• Comments about your body, relationship status, or life choices

• Feeling guilty saying no

• Old roles resurfacing (“the fixer,” “the peacemaker,” “the responsible one”)

• Needing downtime but afraid to disappoint others

The holidays often activate old patterns. Boundaries help you create new ones.

How to Set Holiday Boundaries (without guilt)

1. Check in with yourself first

Before saying yes out of pressure or habit, ask:

• What do I actually have the energy for?

• What events matter most to me?

• What am I doing out of obligation, fear, or guilt?

Clarity makes boundary setting much easier.

2. Choose what you want to protect

This might be:

• your time

• your finances

• your emotional safety

• your rest

• your peace

• your physical space

• your kids’ boundaries

• your sobriety

• your healing

Your boundaries should honor and protect what matters most to you. 

3. Communicate simply and clearly

Holiday boundaries don’t require long explanations.
Short, kind statements work best.

Try:

• “I’m not able to attend, but thank you for inviting me.”

• “We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”

• “I’m stepping away for some quiet time.”

• “Let’s avoid that topic today. It's sensitive for me.”

• “I’m coming for two hours, then heading home to rest.”

4. Prepare for some pushback, and stay calm

When you change a pattern, others may need time to adjust. Their reaction is about their expectations, not your worth.

Healthy people respect healthy boundaries.

5. Follow through

A boundary only works when you honor it, even if it feels uncomfortable.

If you say you’re leaving by 8:00, and you leave by 8:00, you reinforce your own sense of safety and self-trust.

Holiday Boundary Scripts for Real Situations

When someone pushes you to attend an event:

“Thanks for including me. I’m keeping my schedule lighter this year, so I’m not able to come.”

When money is tight:

“We’re doing small or handmade gifts this year. Thank you for understanding.”

When a family member comments on your body or life choices:

“I’m not discussing that.”
If they continue: “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to step out for a bit.”

When you need a break:

“I’m going to take a little quiet time. I’ll be back in a bit.”

When you want a shorter visit:

“I can come between 3 and 5.”
(Notice this is a boundary, not a negotiation.)

When alcohol will be present and you’re not drinking:

“I’m not drinking today, but I’m happy to be here with everyone.”

When family conflict arises:

“I want to enjoy our time together. I’m not engaging in arguments today.”

A Compassionate Reminder

You are not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions this holiday season.
You’re responsible for taking care of your nervous system, your energy, and your emotional well-being.

Your boundaries don’t make you difficult.
Your boundaries allow you to show up as your most grounded, present, and authentic self, and that is a gift to everyone around you.

The Clock & The Calendar

Author’s Note: These are not real names of clients. These are fictional characters rooted in source material from this author’s varied careers in his life before becoming a psychotherapist.

Patrick couldn't stay any longer. With crops to harvest and with matters busy at home, he no longer had time for the Roscoe Stetson Card & Hunt Club that operated outside of Roscoe's old family cabin. Patrick now had a wife and child. Patrick now had responsibilities. Texas Hold Em was now a Hold Up. 

Jayne couldn't stand her anymore. She whined. The past years of high school cheer and the dance team were gone. She couldn't bear to hear what her old friend had to say. They were now night and day different. She needed to guard her time. People depended on her as the CFO for the farm. There was no more cheer. Her old friend that she was lifted high on the pyramid by no longer held her up.

Bert couldn’t stand it. His organic farming operation, his timeshare in Florida, and his new hybrid vehicle were all collecting greenbacks. The APR on his credit card to finance the hybrid and the timeshare was not an ally at this time. His back up against the wall. His grandfather, if he still were alive would have said the following to him. “Bertie, you can’t go down every road you see. Otherwise, your never gon to get anywhere.” Bert found himself scratching his head as he looked at his bank account app…wondering how he got here.

These are twenty-first century stories of how things change. Frequently we fail to see that when seasons change we must adapt to what we value not what we used to value. Both David, the Psalmist, and the 1960s rock group the Byrds understood this concept well. We come across points where we need to change how we view both the clock and the calendar differently and our dollars differently.

Our decisions reflect our values…what motivates us to success or failure tends to be guided by values. If compassion is a value you have, then compassion is likely to motivate you to go on a humanitarian journey or mission trip to a foreign country where a natural disaster has taken place to provide relief for the effected place and people. If you value family, maybe just being back to your house for dinner before 6pm is a priority. If you value quality, you’re going to be an intentional planner and worker. You’ll be following plans you made closely and you’ll have an ownership on everything you do. If you value faith, you’ll be spending time in prayer and connecting with the Word.

It all has logic, doesn’t it. If you value something, you’ll do it, you’ll chose it. However, in our world of 2025 we tend to get distracted by all sorts of things. Scrolling on our smartphones there’s an advertisement for everything. A distraction for every adult and child on demand. However, these distractions are just free dopamine: a neurotransmitter. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical we get when we engage in certain behaviors. Unfortunately, dopamine has an appeal that we misplace as a priority rather than what we value. Consider those three folks I mentioned at the start of this piece.

Jayne, Bert, and Patrick were all facing different priorities. The old priorities of their past though weren’t going to make it with what they valued currently. A friend of mine is 92 years old. He has written likely 1,000,000 words in his life in various journals, professional magazines, he is a medical doctor by training. He valued preserving and at times saving people’s lives. His life has been a joy filled one as he remained rooted in his values.

Jayne’s old friend, Patrick’s cardsharking, and Bert’s spending were not in alignment with their new values. A pal of mine once said it best: “Hobbies migrate and priorities change as we age.” The reality of this situation is that frequently we must audit what we prioritize to discover if the clock and the calendar are ruling us. If that is the case, we must change our priorities, re-actualize our values, so we manage the clock and the calendar for our best interest and the best interest of our families.